Because My Dad Said So
The topic of bullying is being discussed in an online group (where isn't it?) for parents of children with developmental delays/austism. This is my take on the topic. It will likely piss some people off. I'm okay with that.
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Bullying is the new catch phrase. Its the new "awareness" band wagon and its been on the front pages for a while. I'm nothing if not cutting edge (insert giggle here).
It seems the focus on what to do about it is divided up between keeping things "nice," saving the bully and sheilding the bullied. I'm not sure we can do all three at the same time. And honestly, I'm not sure that we should try. I come down on a different side of the topic though. You see, I have a little guy with special needs. His social skills aren't like other kids, he is small and he learns differently than others. This makes him a future prime target for bullies. There is a pecking order out there on the playgrounds and in the classrooms and as his mom I need to face that. I have a few options when and if the need arises. I can watch for the signs and talk with teachers - and I will do that. But I'm also going to do what my father did: I am going to teach my son how to land a fair punch dead in the nose.
My dad believed that everyone should be able to defend themselves. Not start a fight, but finish one. He taught his daughters as well as his sons that the quickest way to fight back was to curl up a fist and aim for the nose. He said it was so painful it would drop the other guy to his knees instantly. And kids are afraid of blood, so if the nose bleeds then everyone who sees what you did will back off too.
I was seven when he taught me that. He also told me that if I needed to use this trick as self defense he would back me up but I should never hit without it being a last resort. He said I should be scared when I do it. In fact, I should be terrified that if I didn't do it, it would be me bleeding. He said it was okay to be frightened but it wasn't okay to get your arse beat. He'd bend right over and look at me in the eyes and in that Father Voice say, "Don't let anyone hit you ever. You got that? They get one hit and then you end it. YOU. You end it. And then you run like hell." He would laugh at that last part which made it all seem like it would be okay if I had to do that. That if he could laugh at it, then I could survive it. Considering that my father seemed like he could kick He-Man's ass, I listened closely.
I was ten when I used Dad's lesson. There was a boy on my bus who teased me incessantly. It was horrible. I was terrified and I was small and I was quiet. One day, he was really hammering away at me. I warned him twice, "If you don't knock it off I'm going to hit you!" I figured if I warned him then I was clearly in the right. So when he didn't stop, I slowly curled my hand in a puny fist. I don't remember actually deciding to swing, but the next thing I knew he was looking very, very surprised. It felt like I hit him hard but there was so little blood I obviously didn't break his nose. I sat back in my seat and I said, "I warned you. Now leave me alone." He flipped around in his seat and I heard him cry. I was so angry I couldn't feel sorry about it.
The bus driver pulled the bus to the side of the road. She got up out of her seat and walked back to where the boy was sitting. A few of the kids had started clapping and sort of pointing at my bully. Looking back as a parent, I feel pretty bad for the kid. Obviously there were issues at home, obviously this was a kid who needed help. But I needed help too and I took it upon myself to end the violence aimed at me. I calmly explained to the bus driver exactly what had happened and what I did. She turned to the boy and said, "Well, now you'll leave her alone won't you?" And that was that. No parental involvement, no one got in trouble, no drama, no police, no therapists or meetings. No hand wringing and no tip toeing. No laws were passed and no special committees were formed.
He never teased me again. Not only did he have an immediate negative (and painful) response to his bad behavior, but something else happened. I suddenly had a bit of self-confidence that I didn't have before. I knew that if I could smack this dude and end the problem, I could do it again if I had to. Word spread that I'd hit a boy and other little problems with kids seemed to fall away. I raised my hand a little more in class, I did better on tests and I would walk in the woods alone. The confidence building was a side-effect I was too young to really understand but as an adult I can look back and see it.
Interestingly, I know this boy now. I know him as an adult and we laugh about this incident. He says he never teased anyone after that, that he learned to respect people and that if he acted like an asshole he would probably get sucker punched for it. He's a dad and he's a good one, too.
Parents believe that they have all the answers so surely they can handle this too. But aren't we robbing these kids of that self-empowerment in exchange for politically-correct passivism? Do we really think that its okay to have a child terrorized while we teach them how to "cope" with being bullied? You don't cope with this, you END it. And that ending, if at all possible, should come from the victim. Yes! It's hitting! Its a little violent. And its totally against the grain of this common nicey-nice bullshit that school administrators, law enforcement and local officials are cramming down our throats.
I say, don't go to a teacher. Go to karate.
It isn't up to a ten year old to see that his or her bully gets therapy. Children are hanging themselves out of a feeling of helplessness and outright fear of the tyrants they face at school. The tragedy is more than the loss of their lives, its the loss of their hope that things can never and will never get better. That they can't fix it. That no one can fix it. This is a lie. Children are powerless in so many ways. This is the one place where they actually hold all the power. Its right there at the end of their arms, they just need our okay to use it when nothing else is working.
After the bleeding stops, maybe this would be the perfect moment for a teacher to open a dialogue about what's really going on.
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bullying is the new catch phrase. Its the new "awareness" band wagon and its been on the front pages for a while. I'm nothing if not cutting edge (insert giggle here).
It seems the focus on what to do about it is divided up between keeping things "nice," saving the bully and sheilding the bullied. I'm not sure we can do all three at the same time. And honestly, I'm not sure that we should try. I come down on a different side of the topic though. You see, I have a little guy with special needs. His social skills aren't like other kids, he is small and he learns differently than others. This makes him a future prime target for bullies. There is a pecking order out there on the playgrounds and in the classrooms and as his mom I need to face that. I have a few options when and if the need arises. I can watch for the signs and talk with teachers - and I will do that. But I'm also going to do what my father did: I am going to teach my son how to land a fair punch dead in the nose.
My dad believed that everyone should be able to defend themselves. Not start a fight, but finish one. He taught his daughters as well as his sons that the quickest way to fight back was to curl up a fist and aim for the nose. He said it was so painful it would drop the other guy to his knees instantly. And kids are afraid of blood, so if the nose bleeds then everyone who sees what you did will back off too.
I was seven when he taught me that. He also told me that if I needed to use this trick as self defense he would back me up but I should never hit without it being a last resort. He said I should be scared when I do it. In fact, I should be terrified that if I didn't do it, it would be me bleeding. He said it was okay to be frightened but it wasn't okay to get your arse beat. He'd bend right over and look at me in the eyes and in that Father Voice say, "Don't let anyone hit you ever. You got that? They get one hit and then you end it. YOU. You end it. And then you run like hell." He would laugh at that last part which made it all seem like it would be okay if I had to do that. That if he could laugh at it, then I could survive it. Considering that my father seemed like he could kick He-Man's ass, I listened closely.
I was ten when I used Dad's lesson. There was a boy on my bus who teased me incessantly. It was horrible. I was terrified and I was small and I was quiet. One day, he was really hammering away at me. I warned him twice, "If you don't knock it off I'm going to hit you!" I figured if I warned him then I was clearly in the right. So when he didn't stop, I slowly curled my hand in a puny fist. I don't remember actually deciding to swing, but the next thing I knew he was looking very, very surprised. It felt like I hit him hard but there was so little blood I obviously didn't break his nose. I sat back in my seat and I said, "I warned you. Now leave me alone." He flipped around in his seat and I heard him cry. I was so angry I couldn't feel sorry about it.
The bus driver pulled the bus to the side of the road. She got up out of her seat and walked back to where the boy was sitting. A few of the kids had started clapping and sort of pointing at my bully. Looking back as a parent, I feel pretty bad for the kid. Obviously there were issues at home, obviously this was a kid who needed help. But I needed help too and I took it upon myself to end the violence aimed at me. I calmly explained to the bus driver exactly what had happened and what I did. She turned to the boy and said, "Well, now you'll leave her alone won't you?" And that was that. No parental involvement, no one got in trouble, no drama, no police, no therapists or meetings. No hand wringing and no tip toeing. No laws were passed and no special committees were formed.
He never teased me again. Not only did he have an immediate negative (and painful) response to his bad behavior, but something else happened. I suddenly had a bit of self-confidence that I didn't have before. I knew that if I could smack this dude and end the problem, I could do it again if I had to. Word spread that I'd hit a boy and other little problems with kids seemed to fall away. I raised my hand a little more in class, I did better on tests and I would walk in the woods alone. The confidence building was a side-effect I was too young to really understand but as an adult I can look back and see it.
Interestingly, I know this boy now. I know him as an adult and we laugh about this incident. He says he never teased anyone after that, that he learned to respect people and that if he acted like an asshole he would probably get sucker punched for it. He's a dad and he's a good one, too.
Parents believe that they have all the answers so surely they can handle this too. But aren't we robbing these kids of that self-empowerment in exchange for politically-correct passivism? Do we really think that its okay to have a child terrorized while we teach them how to "cope" with being bullied? You don't cope with this, you END it. And that ending, if at all possible, should come from the victim. Yes! It's hitting! Its a little violent. And its totally against the grain of this common nicey-nice bullshit that school administrators, law enforcement and local officials are cramming down our throats.
I say, don't go to a teacher. Go to karate.
It isn't up to a ten year old to see that his or her bully gets therapy. Children are hanging themselves out of a feeling of helplessness and outright fear of the tyrants they face at school. The tragedy is more than the loss of their lives, its the loss of their hope that things can never and will never get better. That they can't fix it. That no one can fix it. This is a lie. Children are powerless in so many ways. This is the one place where they actually hold all the power. Its right there at the end of their arms, they just need our okay to use it when nothing else is working.
After the bleeding stops, maybe this would be the perfect moment for a teacher to open a dialogue about what's really going on.
.
i'm a little late with this, but LOVE your view on bullying!
ReplyDeleteDad taught us all how to stand up for our selfs in this way and through life LOVE YOU DAD
ReplyDelete