Moving Targets

The following was written during Thursday's Main Street Writer's workshop.  The prompt was to write down a question you really want an answer to.  The second instruction was to write the answer as if you knew it exactly.

Disclaimer:  This was written to be silly.  I do not personally have anything against bicyclists.  In fact, I know a few avid bikers and they are the nicest people possible.  Mostly because I'm not driving behind or next to them while they are riding though. 

Are you supposed to treat bicyclists like pedestrians or vehicles? 

It depends on a few things.  Firstly, is the bicycle in a small, special bike lane?  If yes, then the bike and its rider are in fact a moving vehicle.  Except you can’t cross into that special lane, get too close, pass or otherwise fake out the rider as you pretend to make a right hand turn.  This will likely result in one pissed off bicyclist.  But worry not because they were pissed off to begin with.  All bicyclists are generally in foul moods.  Anyone who needs to wear padded shorts in order to get from Point A to Point B reserves the right to be an asshole.  Also, if the rider moves into an actual lane at a traffic light, he or she knows what they are doing.  They are likely not afraid of you or the fact that you are driving a metal moving combustible engine capable of flattening them.  Make nice and smile, let them go first.  They may or may not use hand signals, so please be sure your ESP is working especially well as no matter what happens, you will look like the asshole if you strike the bicycle.

Secondly, if the bike is moving down the side of a road sans special lane, then it should be considered a pedestrian.  This is because the rider is likely a parent out with children and is doing something they absolutely do not want to be doing and are therefore deserving of kindness and perhaps pity.  Watch out for the erratic moving tiny bike being ridden by a seven year old whose helmet is slipping forward into her eyes because bike helmets are useless pieces of plastic-coated Styrofoam that never stay in place.  Do not worry about the helmets.  Though they may constantly slip forward or back to the sides, there are forces at work that guarantee it will save your child’s life should he or she be struck by a car moving 50 mph.  Do not question this fact.  If the helmet is moving its not a design flaw, its just that you are a bad parent and completely incapable of the most simplest of tasks.  This is why the government made the decision for you to begin with.  Do not question the Nanny State. That will be $30 plus tax, please. 

Thirdly, if the bicycle is pulling a small cart with an orange flag you have spotted a new parent who is young enough to not only voluntarily peddle her ass to the farm stand, she is strong enough to pull an additional fifty pounds of cart and kid behind her.  She is obviously psychotic and should be avoided at all costs.  Treat this moving caravan as though it were Al Qaeda themselves and they have lined the perimeter with IED’s.  Stay the fuck out of her way. How it is she is still moving forward without stopping every seven seconds to put a pacifier or sippy cup back in place, only the gods know.  Also, she probably started this trip at six in the morning when she packed up her Subaru with bike, trailer, child, toys, snacks, drinks and then drove to a location to ride her bike.  Because driving somewhere to go ride a bike is normal in the Valley.  Do not mention this oddity to her, simply drive on by and wish her well. Smile smugly at the amateur mommy and know that one day she, too, will be foreswearing helmets and voluntary bike rides.

Lastly, if the bike is a recumbent vehicle this means that the person pedaling from a tiny, hard recliner is in desperate need of getting laid.  Give this poor slob plenty of space as he is certainly as angry with the world as the rider wearing padded shorts and sporting shaved legs.  He is already regretting not going for the two-seater convertible after Shirley packed up and left, so be easy on him.  He is likely on his way to his annual DnD reunion game, so if he falls beware of plastic, hand-painted miniatures and six-sided dice being scattered like so much dust.  Also, that’s not a smile on his face.  That’s gas from the quickie breakfast he had to make himself, another sad reminder of Shirley’s leaving.

It is best to avoid all eye contact with bicyclists as a general rule.  They are either career bikers or folks who bought a bike because the idea of it was appealing.  The newbie biker is easy to spot.  Watch for the stand up and pedal stance which has become nothing more than a desperate use of one’s own body weight to keep the bike upright and inching forward.  Also, note the either complete lack of a helmet, a helmet hanging by its strap from the handle bars or a helmet sliding ever so slowly down the side of the rider’s purple face as beads of sweat creep down between his furrowed brows. The magazine’s ad showed a happy family rolling easily along a perfectly flat rail trail.  The mom is thin and tanned,  her white teeth gleaming in the afternoon sun.  Dad is looking back proudly at their son, who isn’t screaming about the strap under his chin being too tight or that his brother is getting too close.  No one in that picture has asked to pee nine times already that morning or was hungry four minutes after getting on the trail.  Everyone’s gears are shifting just fine and the idea of a flat tire is nothing more than a distant and abstract idea that happens to everyone else. 

In reality, the guy riding down the sidewalk is halfway to his destination and just realized he made a $400 mistake and just wants to fucking get home already.  He forgot about the hill that’s on the way to Cumberland’s and he is cursing himself for not just taking the God damn car. He’s imagining how he is going to balance a gallon of milk on his thigh (because baskets are "girlie") while hurtling down the hill on the way home and knows with certainty that it will be nothing if not completely terrifying, so go easy on him. Besides, he has a bike and a slightly used helmet to sell.