On turning 39

My last year in my 30s.  I feel like all the things I said I wanted to do as a grown-up now have a deadline.  I was staring at myself in the mirror yesterday plucking my eyebrows and the light was hitting my face in exactly the worst way possible.  Lines.  Mostly light for now but it was peek into what was coming.  The deep furrow between my brows that was excavating itself into my face for the last five years is only getting deeper.   I had to let go of my very dark brown almost black hair.  I was having to cover grays all too often so now I have an auburn thing with highlights happening. 

These are superficial things.  I know that.  On the surface I am totally okay with the aging process.  But every now and then it freaks me out.  I have so much I want to do and I feel like I've started my life over a few times already so I'm way behind where I'm supposed to be.  Its crazy, but there it is.

My next new beginning will be on March 17, 2012.  I am getting married.  It felt sort of fake and elusive there for a while but I tried on some wedding dresses recently and it hit me really suddenly.  Aaron will no longer be my boyfriend or my fiance or my almost-husband or my baby daddy.  He will just be my husband.  Its crazy and wonderful and I feel like after raising twins together without killing each other, we can get through just about anything.  People should be confident that this is gonna last.  Seriously, you have no idea.  All these other huge fancy weddings with true newlyweds got nothing on us.  We survived a sort of exhaustion seen only in the Hunger Games or at the end of a marathon.  And we really like each other.  Its nothing short of miraculous.


Other things coming up before I turn 40?  I'm still determined to run a 5K.  My reasons have changed though.  I want to do it because nobody, especially my daughters, thinks that I can.  I have come to realize that how I view myself is not how anyone else does.  They have put restrictions on me and what I can and cannot do. I hate that.  Don't tell me what I can do! (Leftover teenagery right there.) I am still young enough to believe that I can do anything I want to.  And 39 has arrived and I'm forced to reckon with time.  I won't always have this option. 

So, here I am.  I am 39 years old.  I have a furrowed brow, some things are hanging a bit lower than they used to, my hair isn't black anymore, my joints make weird sounds.  I have a house full of kids and animals.  My carpets are consistently in need of a vacuuming, the sink is never empty for more than three minutes at a time and the phrase "Finished the laundry" hasn't been spoken by me in 17 years.  I rarely listen to music anymore and opt for audiobooks and podcasts instead.  I buy shoes based on how comfortable they are.  I am in a job I had to work for rather than just apply for.  I have learned to accept the fact that I hate things I wanted to love:  yard work, gardening, and decorating.  I have big dreams still but those dreams aren't the same ones I had ten years ago.  I will never be rich. I will never be known for my sense of fashion or how clean my car is. 

The beautiful thing is, I'm old enough to be okay with all of that.  If aging teaches us anything, its patience and the ability to believe that everything really will be all right.