Flashback
I was reading something just now and it made me think of this:
1996ish
South Hadley apartment, 4th floor
Midnight (or thereabouts, but midnight always sounds better than just "late")
I am lying in bed with EX-DH: Ken
Lights up:
I am drifting off to sleep. Its summer and the crickets are, uh, cricketing and right as I'm about to drop off something smacks me in the legs. And then I hear "it" fly across the room and smack into the mirror.
I nudge Ken. Nothing. I really nudge Ken. Still nothing. I roll Ken onto the floor and that does the trick. Now, the thing to know about Ken is that he is about 5 foot 10 inches and 260 lbs at this time. And he used to sleep in... tightie whities. (Ken, if by chance you read this - I had to include this for the visual).
Me: There's something in here!!!
K: Wha-?
Me: Something is in here! It hit me on the leg!
K: Whaaa-?
Me: Wake up! Something with wings... it just smacked me in the le-
It is right here where It swoops and flies right over us.
K: Wha tha??!! (he's still half asleep)
Me: (from under the blankets) Did you see it?! Did you see it?! What the heck is it?
K: (Stumbles to light switch, clicks it on) What the frick was that?
Me: (still hiding) I don't know, a bird?
K: Holy shit! Its a BAT! (dives under the blankets with me)
Me: We can't just stay under here. Go get it.
K: Why me? You go get it!
Me: Cuz you're the guy and you're supposed to save me from spiders and whatever scares me.
K: Right. Well, what the heck am I supposed to do?
Me: Don't kill it! Just fling a towel on it or something.
K: I'm going to get rabies!
Me: No you're not! Just get a blanket and toss it outside.
K: Okay. I'm going on three. Ready?
Me: No.
K: 1... 2... 2 and half.... 2-
Me: Just get your ass out of bed and catch it!
K: Fine. Three.
Me: Run!!! Hurry! I'm scared!
He leaves and goes into the kitchen. I hear frantic searching. And here... here is the memorable moment....
Ken comes back into the room. Clad in tightie whities, a broom in one hand, a towel over his shoulder and oven mitts on his hands. Oven mitts. Waving a broom. To this day I still can't figure out what the broom was for.
He swirls the towel over his head like a Midnight Cowboy wrastlin' up some steer. And sure enough, the bat takes the bait and SWOOPS right at him.
He freaking dives onto the bed and it SWOOPS at US now. I kick him off the bed with all I've got. He jumps up, and smacks it down with the towel as it flies over us again. Now, its on the floor, under the towel and its moving. The towel is slowly making its way across the floor.
Me: Get it! Get it! Get it!
K: I am! I am!
Me: Oh my God, don't hurt it! But get it!
Ken scoops up the towel and wraps up the bat. He runs for the back door and drops it out onto the porch. He slams the door shut and we stand there, peaking out the window at the towel.
And there... out stumbles the tiniest baby bat you've ever seen. Honestly, it couldn't have been the size of a field mouse.
Me: You big p#ssy.
~~~
Aaaannnnnd scene.
1996ish
South Hadley apartment, 4th floor
Midnight (or thereabouts, but midnight always sounds better than just "late")
I am lying in bed with EX-DH: Ken
Lights up:
I am drifting off to sleep. Its summer and the crickets are, uh, cricketing and right as I'm about to drop off something smacks me in the legs. And then I hear "it" fly across the room and smack into the mirror.
I nudge Ken. Nothing. I really nudge Ken. Still nothing. I roll Ken onto the floor and that does the trick. Now, the thing to know about Ken is that he is about 5 foot 10 inches and 260 lbs at this time. And he used to sleep in... tightie whities. (Ken, if by chance you read this - I had to include this for the visual).
Me: There's something in here!!!
K: Wha-?
Me: Something is in here! It hit me on the leg!
K: Whaaa-?
Me: Wake up! Something with wings... it just smacked me in the le-
It is right here where It swoops and flies right over us.
K: Wha tha??!! (he's still half asleep)
Me: (from under the blankets) Did you see it?! Did you see it?! What the heck is it?
K: (Stumbles to light switch, clicks it on) What the frick was that?
Me: (still hiding) I don't know, a bird?
K: Holy shit! Its a BAT! (dives under the blankets with me)
Me: We can't just stay under here. Go get it.
K: Why me? You go get it!
Me: Cuz you're the guy and you're supposed to save me from spiders and whatever scares me.
K: Right. Well, what the heck am I supposed to do?
Me: Don't kill it! Just fling a towel on it or something.
K: I'm going to get rabies!
Me: No you're not! Just get a blanket and toss it outside.
K: Okay. I'm going on three. Ready?
Me: No.
K: 1... 2... 2 and half.... 2-
Me: Just get your ass out of bed and catch it!
K: Fine. Three.
Me: Run!!! Hurry! I'm scared!
He leaves and goes into the kitchen. I hear frantic searching. And here... here is the memorable moment....
Ken comes back into the room. Clad in tightie whities, a broom in one hand, a towel over his shoulder and oven mitts on his hands. Oven mitts. Waving a broom. To this day I still can't figure out what the broom was for.
He swirls the towel over his head like a Midnight Cowboy wrastlin' up some steer. And sure enough, the bat takes the bait and SWOOPS right at him.
He freaking dives onto the bed and it SWOOPS at US now. I kick him off the bed with all I've got. He jumps up, and smacks it down with the towel as it flies over us again. Now, its on the floor, under the towel and its moving. The towel is slowly making its way across the floor.
Me: Get it! Get it! Get it!
K: I am! I am!
Me: Oh my God, don't hurt it! But get it!
Ken scoops up the towel and wraps up the bat. He runs for the back door and drops it out onto the porch. He slams the door shut and we stand there, peaking out the window at the towel.
And there... out stumbles the tiniest baby bat you've ever seen. Honestly, it couldn't have been the size of a field mouse.
Me: You big p#ssy.
~~~
Aaaannnnnd scene.
HAHHAHAH oh wow i just laughed and laughed and laughed.. hysterical post jenn!!
ReplyDeleteOMG Jenn that was hysterical!
ReplyDelete