In print
For the first time in my life, something I wrote is in print. The most recent Hip Mama zine (Issue 51 - not quite out yet) has my piece in it titled "Special Sucks." I gotta tell you, seeing my words across two pages with call-outs and quotes in big bold print is pretty fricking cool.
It got me thinking though. What I wrote in that essay was deeply felt but its a fleeting emotion. I don't always believe that special sucks. Sometimes the very things that make my son's life difficult or challenging are exactly the same things that make him incredibly earnest, sweet, and downright hilarious. Thing is, a lot of people write those sorts of optimistic essays. A lot of energy and space is taken up telling parents of kids who carry a diagnosis that everything is good, that their child is, well, special. And that's what is supposed to sustain us. We are made to feel guilty for acknowledging that sometimes, its really freaking hard to be positive and happy and full of energy. Sometimes, trying to figure out how to discipline a child with autism is impossible. Trying to get them to do X when they want to do Y is a conundrum so many of us are banging our heads against the wall over.
So, I wanted to write about that. I wanted to try to capture how you can feel an over-whelming sense of love and complete degradation at the very same time. Every parent alive with a special child feels this. We just don't tell you .
We feel guilty for it so we push it back and swallow it down. But that's a lie. And it does no good for other parents to walk this line feeling like they shouldn't grieve or feel angry about it. You should absolutely feel those things. In the moments of the greatest successes we get to feel a sort of pride and relief that parents of "normal" kids never get to experience. We get to watch our kids struggle with things other kids just do every day, and when the day is a success, we sleep at night better than most. We take tiny shreds of progress and turn it into gold that links us and holds us from one day to the next. We are the ones who will cry at a completed homework assignment and give a high five for writing a whole sentence. We are the ones who are prepared for the worst and hope for the best every single day.
So yes, sometimes special sucks. Sometimes though, its the most amazing thing we can experience. But I wouldn't wish on you.
It got me thinking though. What I wrote in that essay was deeply felt but its a fleeting emotion. I don't always believe that special sucks. Sometimes the very things that make my son's life difficult or challenging are exactly the same things that make him incredibly earnest, sweet, and downright hilarious. Thing is, a lot of people write those sorts of optimistic essays. A lot of energy and space is taken up telling parents of kids who carry a diagnosis that everything is good, that their child is, well, special. And that's what is supposed to sustain us. We are made to feel guilty for acknowledging that sometimes, its really freaking hard to be positive and happy and full of energy. Sometimes, trying to figure out how to discipline a child with autism is impossible. Trying to get them to do X when they want to do Y is a conundrum so many of us are banging our heads against the wall over.
So, I wanted to write about that. I wanted to try to capture how you can feel an over-whelming sense of love and complete degradation at the very same time. Every parent alive with a special child feels this. We just don't tell you .
We feel guilty for it so we push it back and swallow it down. But that's a lie. And it does no good for other parents to walk this line feeling like they shouldn't grieve or feel angry about it. You should absolutely feel those things. In the moments of the greatest successes we get to feel a sort of pride and relief that parents of "normal" kids never get to experience. We get to watch our kids struggle with things other kids just do every day, and when the day is a success, we sleep at night better than most. We take tiny shreds of progress and turn it into gold that links us and holds us from one day to the next. We are the ones who will cry at a completed homework assignment and give a high five for writing a whole sentence. We are the ones who are prepared for the worst and hope for the best every single day.
So yes, sometimes special sucks. Sometimes though, its the most amazing thing we can experience. But I wouldn't wish on you.
CONGRATS JENN CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT IN INK TOO
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