Confessions.
I have sat down at this computer every night for, well, a long time now and wanted to write something that wasn't about kids, work or daily struggles. I have been struck with an idea or two, but usually while I'm driving. Or in the shower. By the time I get to sit here, the thoughts have escaped me.
Nora Jones. And I'm feeling it.
I have discovered that music is a necessary tool for me. It somehow opens up the flood gates and lets words fly onto this computer screen. And tonight, Nora Jones is playing.
~~~
My daughter turned 13. Remember 13? God that sucked. I was so insecure and afraid and I hated my hair, my freckles, my pot belly. I couldn't look at myself and smile in the mirror. I saw a goofy, gangly little girl with knobby knees and stringy hair. I don't remember ever feeling Okay with my appearance.
I grew to become a pretty self conscious teenager. Always seeking approval and trying to find where I fit. I really had a hard time with this. I would travel from the smart, preppy kids in honors class to the girls bathroom where I sparked up a smoke with the "party crowd". I found them easier to hang with, so I sort of stayed with them. I dropped my honors classes. I was kicked out of the very same Peer education group I helped start. My grades became B's then C's and occasional D's.
I still, even when I was 110 pounds and solid as a rock, hated my body. I was too flat chested. I was never skinny enough. Several rounds of laxatives helped me stay pretty thin. I was 15. I was dancing 5 nights a week. I could do 300 stomach crunches and was limber as a Cirque de Soleil performer. Still, I was unhappy in my skin.
At 22 I had a 1 year old. I was married. I weighed 135 pounds and saw fat. So, I binged and purged. I got back into a size 4 and a weight of 105 pounds (my lowest weight ever). I looked sick. I was sick. And until this very moment have never told this to anyone. Ever. Not my husband at the time, not my best friends, not my family. But I'm telling you Dear Reader.
Why now? Why say all this now? Because I need to make sure my daughters never, ever look to a mirror or scale for self esteem. I need them to know that God created them and they are absolutely beautiful. No matter what is in the fashion mags, no matter what they might think they are supposed to look like. They are worth more than a measure of pounds. They are strong and talented and smart and good and loved. There is nothing in this world that would ever make them less in my eyes.
The reasons for my obsession with the scale had nothing to do with my wanting to be healthy. It had to do with control. I believed I couldn't change the world I was in. I couldn't fix things in my family. I couldn't make my marriage a happy one. I couldn't do so many things. So, I took control of something. It wasn't until years later that I learned I could change my life. When I did, the eating disorder left.
I took my world and shook it and flipped it upside down. I took a giant leap and made my life what I wanted it to be. I had help in all this. I had a few friends that were there for me. They picked me up, brushed me off and told me to shut up and deal with it. I had friends who took me out and helped me have some laughs. I had sisters who supported me in my nights of complete panic and fear.
My divorce tore me up and I think I still am surprised at how much of me I've left behind. I find those little pieces stuffed into boxes in my basement. And they scare me. Opening up one is like welcoming back years of depression and sadness. They are all sitting down there, headstones to a life better left dead. I often wonder at what point things went bad with us. I know it was fine for a couple of years. But then I think, maybe it was never really right.
Today, I walk through my home and breathe in my life. At night when the kids are sleeping, I can bask in my new world. Change is possible.
You can live the life you were meant to. You just have to stop looking at your feet, trying to blame the numbers on a scale. Look around my friends, it's a beautiful world. And it really couldn't give a shit if you're a might fluffy in the mid section.
Nora Jones. And I'm feeling it.
I have discovered that music is a necessary tool for me. It somehow opens up the flood gates and lets words fly onto this computer screen. And tonight, Nora Jones is playing.
~~~
My daughter turned 13. Remember 13? God that sucked. I was so insecure and afraid and I hated my hair, my freckles, my pot belly. I couldn't look at myself and smile in the mirror. I saw a goofy, gangly little girl with knobby knees and stringy hair. I don't remember ever feeling Okay with my appearance.
I grew to become a pretty self conscious teenager. Always seeking approval and trying to find where I fit. I really had a hard time with this. I would travel from the smart, preppy kids in honors class to the girls bathroom where I sparked up a smoke with the "party crowd". I found them easier to hang with, so I sort of stayed with them. I dropped my honors classes. I was kicked out of the very same Peer education group I helped start. My grades became B's then C's and occasional D's.
I still, even when I was 110 pounds and solid as a rock, hated my body. I was too flat chested. I was never skinny enough. Several rounds of laxatives helped me stay pretty thin. I was 15. I was dancing 5 nights a week. I could do 300 stomach crunches and was limber as a Cirque de Soleil performer. Still, I was unhappy in my skin.
At 22 I had a 1 year old. I was married. I weighed 135 pounds and saw fat. So, I binged and purged. I got back into a size 4 and a weight of 105 pounds (my lowest weight ever). I looked sick. I was sick. And until this very moment have never told this to anyone. Ever. Not my husband at the time, not my best friends, not my family. But I'm telling you Dear Reader.
Why now? Why say all this now? Because I need to make sure my daughters never, ever look to a mirror or scale for self esteem. I need them to know that God created them and they are absolutely beautiful. No matter what is in the fashion mags, no matter what they might think they are supposed to look like. They are worth more than a measure of pounds. They are strong and talented and smart and good and loved. There is nothing in this world that would ever make them less in my eyes.
The reasons for my obsession with the scale had nothing to do with my wanting to be healthy. It had to do with control. I believed I couldn't change the world I was in. I couldn't fix things in my family. I couldn't make my marriage a happy one. I couldn't do so many things. So, I took control of something. It wasn't until years later that I learned I could change my life. When I did, the eating disorder left.
I took my world and shook it and flipped it upside down. I took a giant leap and made my life what I wanted it to be. I had help in all this. I had a few friends that were there for me. They picked me up, brushed me off and told me to shut up and deal with it. I had friends who took me out and helped me have some laughs. I had sisters who supported me in my nights of complete panic and fear.
My divorce tore me up and I think I still am surprised at how much of me I've left behind. I find those little pieces stuffed into boxes in my basement. And they scare me. Opening up one is like welcoming back years of depression and sadness. They are all sitting down there, headstones to a life better left dead. I often wonder at what point things went bad with us. I know it was fine for a couple of years. But then I think, maybe it was never really right.
Today, I walk through my home and breathe in my life. At night when the kids are sleeping, I can bask in my new world. Change is possible.
You can live the life you were meant to. You just have to stop looking at your feet, trying to blame the numbers on a scale. Look around my friends, it's a beautiful world. And it really couldn't give a shit if you're a might fluffy in the mid section.
wanted to add "love you"
ReplyDeletei hope your daughters talk to you about their feelings plese make sure of that!!!your post is a total surprise to us, because we were always so proud of you in everything you did and how you looked...always did and always will...please stay happy and proud of your achievements..
ReplyDeletei am sorry for what you went through, i want you to know you can always come to me for anything. after reading your blog i realize that i have to really listen to my own daughter when she says i hate the way i look, I wish I was skinny. They may not be just words, You never think something like this can happen to such a close family. We always tell everybody "We are family, You can talk to us about anything." I think it's time we all slow down and listen to what we are telling each other. If you ever feel down, please talk to me, any day any time. we have to stick together. Mom and Dad always taught us that YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON FAMILY. Now it's our turn to teach our kids that lesson. love ya kid Now I have to figure out how to send this to you.
ReplyDeletehey, i sent it. and it only took one phone call to mom for directions. and two tries 'all by myself"
ReplyDeletethank you guys. I hope you know that growing up I was happy. I had a wonderful childhood and teenage years. When I look back, I don't think about this stuff and certainly it doesn't define that time in my life. I can't really say exactly why I felt the things I did as a kid. I was happy and always knew that if I needed to talk, you were all there for me.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could point my finger at the "it" and place blame there. In my learning about depression and social anxiety I have learned that as teenagers it manifests into body image issues. So, maybe that's it? Maybe it was a sign but I lacked the ability to see it.
What is important is that I know these things. I know when the blues turn are going to get worse and I can treat it now.
I wish more people in the world would see depression as they do high blood pressure: treatable. Rip off the stigmas and you have a brain disorder. No more. No less.
I love you all -
Jenn
from your first big sister i love you and second big sister said it all,i know its hard growing up feeling different then the rest of your peirs it gets easier or we hide it better but it helps when you have family to make you SMILE
ReplyDeletemom its Danielle (= you were always a skinny little thing and you still are looking at your pictures when you were younger i envied it im short skinny and hair that you need 10 bottles of hairspray to keep down but i realized im happy with myself think about it your imperfections and admitting to them is what brings you closer to what every girl wants perfection (oh yeah i can be deep) love you and screw the scale and the divorce (im glad you and dad got divorced Seth and James wouldn't have come into this world and me and autumn wouldn't be as kick ass as we are) so love you danielle=}<3
ReplyDeleteyour beautiful and i love you(: and dont worry about me, being self concious is not my thing. whatever anyone has to say about me is fine, its my life and my body not theirs. and you should feel the same way. i love you mom!
ReplyDelete