The @#@% Tree is Up

I had it all planned out and it was going to be perfect.

 

If you ever, ever say these words you have just invited not only Murphy and his stupid law to your house but all of his friends too.  Its the annual event known as "putting up the Christmas tree."  And it never, never, never goes the way you want it too. Ever.

 

If you have a real tree then you have your own whole world of shit to deal with that involves saws, metal turny things and wire to hold that thing up.  I gave up on them years ago when I was given a free artifical tree.  It comes in pieces that include 6 rows of varying size branches that are hooked into the central post.  The central post is metal and it has fake green shit wired around it so the metal won't shine from all the lights that aren't working anymore.  

 

Here's how it went down:

 

1.  Aaron brought the tree up.  It is encased in a large, plastic, waterproof (this becomes important later in the story), green bag with a zipper and handles.  He drags this into the living room.

 

2.  Four kids.  One tree.  Also three cats and two big dogs.  Two adults.  All jammed into a mid-sized living room that also still holds furniture. 

 

3.  The Tree Assembly Begins - this should be simple.  Its color-coded and everything.  Of course, there are two little boys who are way, way too excited to do anything beyond grab a branch and run in circles with said branches over their heads.  And of course, they will be screaming. "I'm a CHRISTMAS TREEEEEEE!  YAWWWWWW! TREEEEEE! CHRISTMASSSSS TREEEEEE!" 

 

4.  Dogs take their cue from the five year olds.  They are so excited!  Tails are wagging, tongues are lolling, balls are found and shoes are carried.  Noses are pressed against anyone who cares to get close enough.  They begin the doggie ritual of running in circles.  Like I said, they've taken their cues from five year olds.  In fact, dogs are exactly like five year olds in more than ways than I would have imagined.

 

5.  Autumn starts her "I'm the Oldest" routine.  I have learned to embrace these moments because she really is a good leader, but the thing is, she's only 16.  She doesn't know everything.  I wish she did because it would really make my life so much easier.  She takes over tree assembly.  She is not a good boss because she doles out duties like a drill sargeant. 

 

6.  The top half of the tree is up.  Autumn realizes that it isn't right (imagine that!).  We put the pink where there should be brown.  These are the labels that tell us what little group each branch belongs too.  We thought pink was the smallest, but really it was brown. 

 

7.  My stomach ache kicks into high gear and all I want to do is lie down.  And for everyone to just sit still and shutup for like 4 hours.

 

8.  Clancy and Clara suddenly flop down.  They're exhausted from all that circling.  Only now they are smack dab in the center of the room.

 

9.  There is much yelling of the words "NO!" "Put that down!" and "Stop it!"  These words are aimed at the boys and are being repeated on a loop by Boss Autumn.

 

10.  Danielle abandons us. I only threaten to do so but remain seated on the couch, mouth agape at the mayhem I've created with loose birth control standards.  

 

11.  Aaron is now in the mix.  He kneels down in front of the tree and somehow his prescense does something to Boss Autumn.  She is now laughing and has ceased doling out orders.  Amazing. Until....

 

12.  Autumn says, "This tree smells like cat pee." 

 

13.  Aaron, "Yeah, it does. Do you smell it Jenn?"

 

14.  "How the HELL can the tree smell like cat pee?  It was in a SEALED, WATERPROOF BAG."  I go over and start smelling the tree.  Part of me wants it to be true just so I can fling the stupid thing into the dump.  It doesn't smell.  Well, it smells weird, but its not cat pee.  It smells like metal.  Cat pee is one of those smells that everyone knows even if they have never owned a cat.  Its like skunk smell.. you just know what it is and there is no hiding from it.

 

15.  Argument commences between Boss Autumn, Aaron and me that revolves around my inability to smell cat pee.  What they don't know is that its not that I can't smell cat pee, its that THERE IS NO CAT PEE ON THE STUPID TREE.

 

16.  I somehow convince them to just put up the tree and Aaron and I decide to buy a new tree on Dec 27th for half price. A pre-lit one.

 

17.  Boys are allowed to help put branches on.  Everyone has given up on the label system. 

 

18.  Lights.  Why?  Why aren't they working?  They worked when we packed them away a year ago and now, as if by magic, they don't work.  I must have forgotten the Guest of Honor was there - Mr. Murphy & his law.

 

19.   Aaron does something electrical and gets said lights to work.  Personally, I think it was voodoo, but who am I to say?

 

20.  The lights are on the tree.  Somehow, some way the lights are on the tree and they are working.

 

21.  I open the red ornament organizer and within 12 minutes every ball, angel, popscicle stick thingy and decoration is out and on the tree.  Yes, there are ornaments clumped together. There are glass ornaments on the bottom where they clearly shouldn't be.  There are branches with several ornaments and some with none.  I don't care.

 

22.  Seth and JP realize they can see themselves in the red, silver, and blue ornaments.  They look like they're in a fun house mirror and have taken to screaming, "RRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! I'MMMMMM RRRREEEEEEDDDDD!" They are leaning in and out of the tree watching the distorted reflection of their faces in the ornaments.

 

23.  #22 quickly becomes the single most annoying thing either of them has ever done. Ever. 

 

24.  I go to bed.

 

And scene.