Post Secret
EDIT:: The link was not a good one... it's fixed now and should be all set.
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If you aren't already a regular visitor to this website every Sunday, I recommend it so highly. It's amazing how normal we all are in even our strangest, loneliest, happiest, saddest and scariest moments.
A good friend once said to me that we don't remember days, we remember moments.
I remember the moment, the very second I knew my marriage was over. I remember how horrific it was. How alone I felt in the world. And that it was all going to be okay. I was free to leave.
I was sitting in a therapist's office when it slammed down on me. I remember looking at the therapist then at my husband. I looked down at my hands and my feet. I was actually wearing a cowboy hat and boots for Halloween. I remember the ugly orange-red color of my chair and that Ken was sitting in an olive green one. I remember the counselor looking at me like I was crazy for walking out. But I knew, I just knew that that was it.
I was free to go. I was free to live my life and never have to wonder - EVER - if I had made the right decision.
I said it, so plainly and so simply.
"I'm finished here."
I stood so slowly. I was shaking. But I was calm and clear. I was absolute and knew that I would never again have to wonder about the what ifs, the hows, the whens and whys.
Never mind that I should have known all that already. Never mind that it was written on the wall years before. I wasn't ready to read that wall.
Until that moment when he looked at me and admitted he was an alcoholic. And I felt the pressure escape from the room.... WHOOOSH. And I was free. I don't know what it was about that admission. I suppose if you don't know me it would be easy to judge me for that being my final decision at that moment. (But please, dear Reader.... there are so many, many more paragraphs to the demise of my marriage. Alcohol was simply the icing on the cake. )
I remember walking out to my car (the VW) and pulling the top back. I picked up my cell phone and called work.
"Hi. It's Jenn... hey, I won't be back today."
And I drove and drove and drove. And I sang to Melissa Etheridge's Skin cd while the wind blew my hair back and dried my cheeks.
I don't remember any more than that.
But I remember that moment of clarity. That moment of knowing that somehow... I was free.
“...Therefore, since the world has still
Much good, but much less good than ill,
And while the sun and moon endure
Luck’s a chance, but trouble’s sure,
I’d face it as a wise man would,
And train for ill and not for good.
’Tis true, the stuff I bring for sale
Is not so brisk a brew as ale:
Out of a stem that scored the hand
I wrung it in a weary land.
But take it: if the smack is sour,
The better for the embittered hour;
It should do good to heart and head
When your soul is in my soul’s stead;
And I will friend you, if I may,
In the dark and cloudy day...”
-A. E. HousmanA Shropshire Lad 1896
~~~~~
If you aren't already a regular visitor to this website every Sunday, I recommend it so highly. It's amazing how normal we all are in even our strangest, loneliest, happiest, saddest and scariest moments.
A good friend once said to me that we don't remember days, we remember moments.
I remember the moment, the very second I knew my marriage was over. I remember how horrific it was. How alone I felt in the world. And that it was all going to be okay. I was free to leave.
I was sitting in a therapist's office when it slammed down on me. I remember looking at the therapist then at my husband. I looked down at my hands and my feet. I was actually wearing a cowboy hat and boots for Halloween. I remember the ugly orange-red color of my chair and that Ken was sitting in an olive green one. I remember the counselor looking at me like I was crazy for walking out. But I knew, I just knew that that was it.
I was free to go. I was free to live my life and never have to wonder - EVER - if I had made the right decision.
I said it, so plainly and so simply.
"I'm finished here."
I stood so slowly. I was shaking. But I was calm and clear. I was absolute and knew that I would never again have to wonder about the what ifs, the hows, the whens and whys.
Never mind that I should have known all that already. Never mind that it was written on the wall years before. I wasn't ready to read that wall.
Until that moment when he looked at me and admitted he was an alcoholic. And I felt the pressure escape from the room.... WHOOOSH. And I was free. I don't know what it was about that admission. I suppose if you don't know me it would be easy to judge me for that being my final decision at that moment. (But please, dear Reader.... there are so many, many more paragraphs to the demise of my marriage. Alcohol was simply the icing on the cake. )
I remember walking out to my car (the VW) and pulling the top back. I picked up my cell phone and called work.
"Hi. It's Jenn... hey, I won't be back today."
And I drove and drove and drove. And I sang to Melissa Etheridge's Skin cd while the wind blew my hair back and dried my cheeks.
I don't remember any more than that.
But I remember that moment of clarity. That moment of knowing that somehow... I was free.
“...Therefore, since the world has still
Much good, but much less good than ill,
And while the sun and moon endure
Luck’s a chance, but trouble’s sure,
I’d face it as a wise man would,
And train for ill and not for good.
’Tis true, the stuff I bring for sale
Is not so brisk a brew as ale:
Out of a stem that scored the hand
I wrung it in a weary land.
But take it: if the smack is sour,
The better for the embittered hour;
It should do good to heart and head
When your soul is in my soul’s stead;
And I will friend you, if I may,
In the dark and cloudy day...”
-A. E. HousmanA Shropshire Lad 1896
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