Josh: Asshole Cat

A little short story I wrote in group tonight.

Josh at 8 weeks

  
He's right there, right fricking there! He's just out of leaping reach. A robin poking for breakfast. Stupid bird. He doesn't see me at all. I have been crouching there for twenty minutes with only a twitch of my tail every few minutes to help keep my paws where they need to be. I have no idea why that works, I just know that it does. I know it the way I know that that damn Robin is going to be delicious.

Birds. They don't even walk. They hop. Maybe to people that seems like a quiet, birdlike thing to do, but I gotta tell ya.. its super loud to a feline. Not too mention what it feels like to that worm he's hunting. And I use that term loosely. Birds have no clue about hunting. No clue at all. Almost as bad at it as dogs. But that hopping is literally echoing through my eardrums.

Look, here's the thing. I don't like to brag. I really don't. Its just that my sense of hearing is matched only by my sense of balance and smell. I'm Josh by the way and according to the people inside that house about forty feet behind me, I'm about as cool a cat there is.

Idiot bird. He's still bopping around the worm hole. Dashing forward with his beak and trying to catch the end of that disgusting, rubbery tube of guts and stomachs. I mean, the worm can feel that bouncing and believe you me... he ain't hanging out waiting. Hey Mr. Robin! Moron! The slimeball is halfway to China by now! 

 

Oh! Oh! Wait for it... his back is turned. Okay, okay, here goes!

LEAPING!!!

            STRETCHING!!!

                            TACKLING!!!

Not Josh

Othay. Tho he got away. Thtupid theathers.  Puh!

“Whatever dude! You have wings you know? Kinda hard to catch ya when you can just take off like that!” Show off.

God I hate Robins. They're actually not that delicious anyhow. Now Blue Jays? Blue Jays are fantastic! So succulent, so tender. I can't wait for the immigrating bastards come back. Yeah, Blue Jays man. Its all about the Jays.

Whoa! Did you see that?!  There's a fricking cat! In my yard!

“Hey! You! Yeah you!” 

Did you see that? He looked at me like, “Who me?” Who the hell else? You see any dogs out here? No! You know why? Because dogs are scared of me!

“Hey! What's up man? This is my yard!” You can't just let strange animals stroll around without sayin' something. I mean, it'd be, it'd be ANARCHY! Next thing you know, he'll be peeing on my stuff and then no one will know its my stuff. I hate that. You have any idea how much water I have to drink to pee on all this shit? Its a lot of work. There's like two acres of trees to pee on. Its a full time job I tell ya, what with the idiotic dogs and all.

I hate dogs. Except Clancy. He's cool. Well, actually he's warm and its pretty damn useful when the people turn the heat down to sixty at night in the dead of winter. Fur coat my ass, you need two to keep warm in that house! Cheap assholes.

“Hey! I said this is my yard! Get off my lawn!”

Maybe if I rush him?  Yeah, that'll do it! I 'll just like run right up like this... and then swerve here around this tree, and, “DUDE! Get out!”

Why isn't he moving? Hey, what the... why the back arch? I don't want to fight. “Whoa, whoa, chill man. Chill. Let's not-” Oh crap. He's doing the side bounce. I can't let that go.

There, I side bounced you back! How you like me now Mr. Tough Maine Coon Kitty Witty! You want a piece of... Oh shit. He's coming back.

Frick! That hurts! “What the hell?! Not in the face, not in the face!”

There! Take that side swipe and how about I raise you a little ear chewing action? “You like that do ya? Do ya? Oh God! Is that, is that Advantix? Dude, you totally taste like neurotoxins! Oh man that's gross!”

The tree! I'll just, yeah, I'll jump right up here. And then bounce right.... back.... on YOUR FACE!! “Ow! Get off! Get off my head! Its biting me!! Its biting my head! Oh God the humanity!!”

“JOSH! Josh! Stop it and get inside this house! Asshole cat! Knock it off and leave that kitten alone! Oh my God, are you bleeding? Did that baby cat bite you Joshy?? Hey, girls.... there's a kitten out there, go get it and bring it in.”

Is that sardines I smell?  Oh sardines are just the best.  Oh yes, right here in my bowl.  So simple, so civil.  God I hate Robins. Its always their fault. 

Also, that was no kitten. That thing was huge. Just sayin'.