I am alone this Saturday evening. It's 9PM, all quiet. Aaron is working, girls are back with their dad, boys are sleeping.
Even Stella is snoozing away.
Boring to most people I guess. But I guess I'm getting used to these kinds of nights. At home, in my jammies before the sun goes down. Ate mac and cheese for dinner. Woo hoo right?
I am looking at pictures and reading old writings, remembering life and various moments. Thinking about what it was like a few years back. Feeling strangely remorseful for the life my girls are never going to have. Wondering if I'll keep this new life together or screw it up completely. Lord knows I want this bad. I've never worried about things like that before. And I think I know why. I think I'm on the brink of understanding where these thoughts are coming from.
Not going to blurt it out just yet... I'm going to keep this one in my back pocket for a bit.
It's funny, I want so badly to have the life I always dreamed, but I don't really remember what I used to want. I think I wanted a big, fancy house with a new car. I think I wanted 5 bedrooms. I think I wanted landscapers and a nanny. I think I wanted those things because I thought they would make me happy. But now that I'm happy, I guess I could go for a cold beer.
All you have to do is look at pictures, read old writings. I was a miserable person for a loooong time. I remember one night counting on one hand the number of times I smiled in a week. That was about 5 years ago I think. I couldn't sleep and was thinking how that was sad. Now I know what was really sad... that it took me almost another 2 years to get out there and start making myself smile. Now, I'm annoying with my stupid grin. I look like a drunk sometimes I guess. But I don't care. I'll pass the breath-a-lizer. How in the world do you spell that anyhow? Is it a "i" or a "y"?
Okay, so I'm off. I have more pictures to look at. I'll post some tomorrow probably. Peace out ya'll.
Even Stella is snoozing away.
Boring to most people I guess. But I guess I'm getting used to these kinds of nights. At home, in my jammies before the sun goes down. Ate mac and cheese for dinner. Woo hoo right?
I am looking at pictures and reading old writings, remembering life and various moments. Thinking about what it was like a few years back. Feeling strangely remorseful for the life my girls are never going to have. Wondering if I'll keep this new life together or screw it up completely. Lord knows I want this bad. I've never worried about things like that before. And I think I know why. I think I'm on the brink of understanding where these thoughts are coming from.
Not going to blurt it out just yet... I'm going to keep this one in my back pocket for a bit.
It's funny, I want so badly to have the life I always dreamed, but I don't really remember what I used to want. I think I wanted a big, fancy house with a new car. I think I wanted 5 bedrooms. I think I wanted landscapers and a nanny. I think I wanted those things because I thought they would make me happy. But now that I'm happy, I guess I could go for a cold beer.
All you have to do is look at pictures, read old writings. I was a miserable person for a loooong time. I remember one night counting on one hand the number of times I smiled in a week. That was about 5 years ago I think. I couldn't sleep and was thinking how that was sad. Now I know what was really sad... that it took me almost another 2 years to get out there and start making myself smile. Now, I'm annoying with my stupid grin. I look like a drunk sometimes I guess. But I don't care. I'll pass the breath-a-lizer. How in the world do you spell that anyhow? Is it a "i" or a "y"?
Okay, so I'm off. I have more pictures to look at. I'll post some tomorrow probably. Peace out ya'll.
Go ahead and grin...annoy everyone with that grin. You deserve to be happy! I know what you mean about worrying about screwing things up. I've been married twice and it didn't work out either time. I'm afraid I'll screw up with the two new "men" in my life, too. But all we can do is take it one day a time and stay positive. Life never turns out the way we plan or expect, but it always turns out for the best.
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