Eyes open

I haven't dreamed of Patrick or had him visit me through dreams in a while.  A couple of months I think. I believe that the last dream I had of Patrick was a gift to me and one I haven't written about here until now.

It took me a good month to figure out its true meaning.  Essentially, it was about choices and that what we think we can change or could have changed in another person's life is false.  We can't make a choice for someone.  We can't force them down a path or wish we could have made them "see" anything.  All we can do is open a door and offer a guiding hand.  In that dream, Patrick showed me that he lived his choices and followed his path the HE wanted to or felt was right for him.  I didn't even realize that I harbored thoughts or feelings of guilt over his death.  I've always believed that fate and free will lead us to our destinies. 

Let me explain...

I dreamed that I was given the ability to go back in time for a certain number of minutes and I could not visit anyone other than Patrick.  Suddenly, there I was walking down a path with a 9 year old Patrick.  He didn't recognize me as his aunt.  I was struggling to tell him about October 29, 2008 and that he should not go to sleep.  That he needed to stay with us and stay awake.  He was teasing me and telling me I was crazy.  He just wouldn't listen.  I sat him in the backseat of a car and from the driver's seat I tried again and again to warn him.  I pulled over and I wrote down on a piece of paper and on his hand the date and the message so his mother would see it.  At every attempt, he would tear it up or wipe it off.  He ran out of the car and I took off after him. 

Finally, I stopped.  And I stood there looking down at him and I knew... .I knew I had to walk away.  That no matter what I did or what I said, he would keep walking that path without me, making his own choices.  That I was powerless to change what was to come.  As I turned away and made MY choice to let it go, I looked back and saw a 29 year old Patrick. And he smiled and he waved at me.  He smiled the happiest, the biggest grin I've seen.  He looked so peaceful and content.  And then he was gone.

~~~

For weeks, I thought the dream was about that decision of MINE to quit on him.  And then one day, it just crystallized in my mind.  This was NOT about me.  It wasn't about what I could have said or done.  It was about Pat and in his way he made me see that.  It was a gift from him, I have no doubt.  And since then, rather than hope for a dream...

 I've decided to look for him with my eyes open.

Yesterday a lot happened to make it possible for me to finish my teacher's license.  From support at work, home and family and friends.  And this morning right before I woke up, a flash of Patrick's face and the message "Finish it." Later, driving to work I heard the Kid Rock song Patrick used to sing karaoke to.  As I walked to my office I found a penny outside my office door... which is no big deal.  But then I found another on the counter in the bathroom.  And another in our lounge near the coffee maker.  And another on my desk. 

I'm beginning to think that happiness, success, and all those great things are back.  Like I'm waking up out of a coma.  I miss that tudball fiercely and I think about him constantly.  I but this feeling of crawling out of a cave after hiding for 6 months is here. 

The sun is bright and beautiful today, there are pennies in my pocket and a path laid out for me. 

It's good.  It's all good.