31
Today is Patrick's 31st birthday. I don't really have a lot to say about it other than the obvious. That there will always be a day that is harder to get through, that reminders like today make sure we know exactly how much we've missed out on. Days like this one to make sure we are still alive enough to feel it, far enough away from what was to make the memories that much more hazy. Giving us another reason to hate that what happened has actually happened. I still have moments that freeze me completely and the reality feels brand new all over again. I think those moments will last my lifetime and that is really okay with me. To have it feel new for a brief few seconds makes it seem like he was just here but a moment ago.
I'm not sure what to do today. I haven't been to the cemetary in a while, but honestly, I hate going there. I don't feel any closer to him there than I do right now. I think I go and take solace in the fact that others were there too. That somehow we are all in it together and that he is missed by them too. Whenever I go there are different mementos left for him. Flowers, a beer, a Twisted Tea or a cross. Sometimes the grave looks like it was recently cleaned off and I know my parents were there. They plant flowers and keep his grave neat and tidy and looking tended to.
I guess its the only way we can physically care for Patrick anymore. When you tend to someone's needs for nearly 30 years, its hard to fill the space. Finding a way to do and a place to put all that love that never ends is hard. This is a physical and visual way for so many to show him that he is with us, in our hearts always. In our thoughts. Our actions. We carry him always and keep his memory close at hand. But to have tangible proof, a place to put all that... it means something. And for those of us who drive by and stop for a quick visit, it gives comfort to see that. To know we are not alone, that he was just in someone's thoughts too.
And now I guess I understand why graves really exist. What that headstone is really for and the flowers, the shrubs and the memorials. They aren't for anyone but the ones left standing.
Well Patty O'Furniture. Wherever you are tudball, Happy Birthday.
I'm not sure what to do today. I haven't been to the cemetary in a while, but honestly, I hate going there. I don't feel any closer to him there than I do right now. I think I go and take solace in the fact that others were there too. That somehow we are all in it together and that he is missed by them too. Whenever I go there are different mementos left for him. Flowers, a beer, a Twisted Tea or a cross. Sometimes the grave looks like it was recently cleaned off and I know my parents were there. They plant flowers and keep his grave neat and tidy and looking tended to.
I guess its the only way we can physically care for Patrick anymore. When you tend to someone's needs for nearly 30 years, its hard to fill the space. Finding a way to do and a place to put all that love that never ends is hard. This is a physical and visual way for so many to show him that he is with us, in our hearts always. In our thoughts. Our actions. We carry him always and keep his memory close at hand. But to have tangible proof, a place to put all that... it means something. And for those of us who drive by and stop for a quick visit, it gives comfort to see that. To know we are not alone, that he was just in someone's thoughts too.
And now I guess I understand why graves really exist. What that headstone is really for and the flowers, the shrubs and the memorials. They aren't for anyone but the ones left standing.
Well Patty O'Furniture. Wherever you are tudball, Happy Birthday.
I can't believe we have been robbed of spending 2 of his birthdays with him. It still and always will totally suck. Happy Birthday Dork.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe it either !! it REALLY SUCKS but we had a twisted tea and wish him a happy birthday brought the balloons he's always in my thoughts every moment love you all Kate
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