Silent Lucidity

I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity

~Queensryche

There are an awful lot of emotions flying around the family lately.  We are all living in a state of grief still and I have to wonder if that ever goes away.  Some days and weeks things seem to come and go and everything is fine.  And then all of a sudden, it hits you and there's no way to ignore it.

Last night, I had a Patrick Dream.  A real, lucid and amazing dream.  In fact, the best one yet.

Patrick is bummed about missing the reunion again.  He said this to me and suddenly we were sitting across a table from each other.  "It sucks."  That's what he said.  I said I was glad that he felt that way because every other time we talk he just tells me he is at peace and happy and wants us to be okay.  I told him enough of the psycho babble and dish it.  So, he caved and said, "It sucks."  He smiled after and asked if that was any better.  I said yes.

I asked him if he knew that it had been almost two years since he died.  He said time didn't mean anything anymore.  That its been both a blink of the eye and an eternity.  I told him that was psychobabble again, but this time he said it wasn't.  "That's just how it is."

I asked him if sees us and watches us.  He smiled and said no, not really.  He is aware of us, of our emotions and when we say his name he hears us.  But he doesn't like watching us too closely any more but he checks in with all of us.  In fact, he said that he likes to see us laugh and have fun.  That he is happiest when we are having fun.  He likes watching my boys grow and said that JP's loose tooth should fall out this autumn.  I told him he was showing off and he cracked up. 


 I asked him why he was talking to me and he said it was because I was fearless in it.  (Not sure what that meant and it doesn't sound like something he would say, but that was his answer.)  I told him I wasn't fearless, that I was full of fear and anger.  


"Jenn.  Knock it off and get over it." 


I told him I was thankful for his visits and I wish I could have them more often.  He said, "No you don't. You can't lie. I can tell you jerk!  These visits are hard for you.  You always wonder if people are going to think you're crazy.  But you deliver the message and you let me speak to you."

I told him that we missed him and we loved him (I always tell him that).  I also told him that lately things have been really hard for us all.  That we are angry and we want to know what happened to him.  He said he didn't know really why he died.  That he just did and that that was what mattered.  He said anger is a waste of time unless it gets you results or answers, and this kind of anger is beneath us all.  That we're better than this.  That we need to keep moving forward, keep on keepin' on.  I told him that is was easy for him to say that.  And he looked at me and shook his head and said, "You guys lost me.  I lost all of you.  And I did it. You gotta get back up."

I hugged him.  I hugged him again.  I told him I would tell everyone about his messages and that we would try to let go of the anger we feel.  He told me not to make him sound like a chump.  I promised to do my best, but I'm sorta sappy when it comes to him now. 

"Just tell them to let it go,ok?" 

"We can't let you go Pat."

"Not me!  The anger.  The questions. Just let it ride for now.  Live your lives, ok?  Live happy."

"Easier said than done Fatty."

"You have a lot to be happy about. Have fun at the reunion and play some Cash for me."

"Only if you promise to check in and let us know you're with us."

"Deal."

I would like to say that I woke up and felt like a million bucks, that I feel great and all that.  To be honest, I feel a lot of things. I'm working on exactly what that is, it seems to change from minute to minute.

 Oh, and a weird request I forgot to mention:

"Mom, buy a pedometer.  It will get you to start walking and see your progress.  Please take care of yourself.  Please."