Best of intentions and all that

There's one sad truth in life I've found

While journeying east and west -

The only folks we really wound

Are those we love the best.

We flatter those we scarcely know,

We please the fleeting guest,

And deal full many a thoughtless blow

To those who love us best.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I'd like to talk about intentions.  And picking fights.  And acting like a crazy person going through some sort of 'roid rage.  Tunnel vision.  Blinders.  And just for good measure... a little bit of downright selfishness, thoughtlessness, callousness and hipocrytical asshole-ness.  Got all that?  Because I sure as hell do.  In spades.

You see, I'm a moron.  I barrel through life and make snap decisions and judgements.  I can be opinionated and snobby and self-righteous.  I can say one thing and do another.  I'm totally irrational and expect everyone to live to a higher standard that I myself have no hope of ever attaining.

Learning to say you're sorry is probably one of the hardest things I've learned.  And I'm completely new at it.  I don't mean the in-the-moment, obvious screw up apologies.  I am referring to a reflective, time passing sort of thing.  Realizing how horrible you were during a certain time period and letting go of what you meant or what you felt or what you thought you were doing.  Using what you think "matters" as an excuse is just a way to hide from yourself.   Its a tactic we use to justify bad behavior.

 It doesn't matter what you were doing while barrelling through life and doing "What needed to get done." 

What really matters is that someone felt bad, hurt, left out, or frustrated as a direct result of something you did.  Whether your intentions were good or not... you made that person, that family member(s), that beloved friend feel like they didn't matter to you.  That you put yourself first, that you were insensitive.  That's what matters.  People remember how you made them feel, not what you said.  Actions speak louder than words.  And my actions made a few people feel pretty shitty and in turn angry with me.  Anger is a secondary emotion, right?  So really, they were hurt by me.  And its THAT apology that is hard to do right. 

There is a burned bridge here and I am the one who poured the gasoline and handed over the matches.  Which is to say, I'm the one who needs to do the heavy lifting and build it back. 

Because when I screw up, I tend to do it in epic proportions.

You see, my family and I (and I include Lierin in the word "family" always) started this project in honor of Patrick.  In fact, Lierin is the one who thought of buying the team sweatshirts to begin with.  And I so loved this idea that I barreled forward with blinders on.  I tried my best to not do this, but you know... I didn't do the best job at it.  I was driven and I was focused and I spend an inordinate amount of time at a keyboard.  I jumped in with both feet and without a second thought ran with it.  I had good intentions... I was excited and happy to finally find a place to funnel my love for Patrick, my sadness and my grief.  And in that hurry up and get it done and what needs to happen next place... I took over something that I had no business taking over.  My family likely felt totally left out and they're wonderful people, so they didn't deck me. 

I was completely self-involved.  Oh sure, I included everyone on emails.  I did.  I called people.  I talked a lot.  I built a website. But I didn't LISTEN.  There were red flags all over the damn place and I just barrelled right past them.  Because, hey, it was for a good cause and my heart was in the right place.  But I was wrong.  I was wrong in how I went about it and how I handled the whole thing.  And in the meantime, I think I probably hurt a lot more people than I know about. 

I really know how to screw up.  I am so sorry.  I made a lot of mistakes.  It wasn't intentional, but that doesn't matter.  I hope you guys forgive me.  And I hope that you know you have my full permission to slap the hell out of me should I ever act like that again. 

(Don't even get me started on my soap opera persona last night. Oy.)