Fear

Time for some downright, nasty truth.  Really ugly stuff, too. 

 

I'm not fluffy.  I'm not chunky.  For me... I'm damn fat. 

 

Keywords: "For me."

 

We all have our own "normal" and I am telling you right now, this is not my normal. Oh, I fooled myself for a few years thinking that it was.  Or trying to convince myself that it was.  Pointing at various things in my life and making excuses as to how it is that I never lost the "baby weight."  I'll give myself the first year with twins as a break. Make that the first two years;  I'm a reasonable human being most of the time.  So that means that for three years I"ve been sighing, whining, eating, sitting, resting, gaining and getting flabbier by the minute. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that bad.  That there are lots of other women much heavier than me.  And that is true.  There are. 

 

But the real, ugly, horrible, honest truth is that I had never been heavier than ME right now.  I've never felt this crappy.  I've never been in pain like this.  I've never been so damn lazy in my entire life as I am right now.  Its like I found a peaceful place and got complacent.  I'm not complacent.  I'm a crazy person.  I admit it.  I spent too many years in a dance company being the fittest person I knew to accept THIS level of outright fat. 

 

I have lots of excuses too.  And they're fantastic ones.  Here are a few:

 

1. I'm a busy mom

2. I have pre-school twin boys

3. I work full time

4. I'm not THAT fat

5. Who cares? I'm almost married.

6. I don't have time to plan meals

7. Aaron works second shift to my first - I can't go to yoga/gym/etc.

8. I can't afford to spend that much on food

9. I'm pushing 40, can't I just let it go?

10. We don't all need to be a size 6

11.  It could be worse

12. I was this size before and no one died.

13. There are more important things in life

14. I can't balance one more thing in my life

15. I LIKE FOOD DAMMIT!

 

I'll stop there because you are likely adding your own list by now.  Am I right?  You know where its at.  There is really only one thing stopping me from jumping back on the wagon and that one thing is FEAR.  See?  I just teared up writing it, so that has got to be it.  Ever do the "5 Why's?"  I'll do it here and now and share it with you because I know I'm not alone.

 

Why don't you want to be healthy/fit?

  

Because I don't have the energy, time, money.

 

None of those are the truth....  Why are you not doing this now?

 

Because I've been down that road and I know how much work it is. 

 

Why do you not want to do the work?

 

Because I'm afraid it won't work this time.

 

~~~

 

I didn't even have to do 5.  Asking yourself the hard questions about anything you want to change but can't will lead you to your truth.  I firmly believe that fear is what keeps most of us stagnant.  We self-defeat ourselves out of the fear that we might actually be healthy/wealthy/happy/successful.  We protect ourselves from experiencing true joy or success because then we have to look back and see how much time we wasted.  How badly we have failed.  As soon as you get to the root of it, the work of digging out of that and of finding courage begins.  We hide under layers.  Why?  What is under there that we're afraid to show the world? 

 

People who are naturally thin or naturally great at balancing a checkbook or having a spotless house or whatever... they have no clue what I'm talking about.  If I look back at me at the standard weight of 126lbs I was for years and years I know I didn't get it then.  I was still reaping the benefits of all those dance classes.  Naturally thin.  I didn't diet.  I was just me.  Fast forward to 31 year old me and there I was, standing in the kitchen of my Westfield apartment gaping at the scale:  159 lbs.  I was flabbergasted.  Within a week I joined a gym and started the work of losing the weight.  Within 8 weeks I was down to 140lbs and in a size 6.  I was building muscle and feeling better than I had in 10 years. 

 

I read my old journal last night.  The one I kept before I had my blog.  I this about my weight loss and fitness regimen:

 

I feel like I could take on the world.  Yeah its nice to just grab a pair of jeans at Marshall's and know they will fit, but mostly I just feel so capable of anything.  From the silliest things like being able to open a jar while living alone to running a 5K.  I just know that my body is healthy.  I am fearless for the first time in my life.  I can't believe I let myself get to that point.  No more anxiety, no more panic attacks.  Just me being the best me that I can manage.  On my own.  I did it.  I didn't think I could but dammit here I am and there is not a damn thing I can't do.

 

Yeah.  What she said!  I remember her well and I liked her.  I liked that she smiled at herself in the mirror (the full length mirror that I refuse to look at today).   I liked that she jumped on her bike and road it all over Westfield.  She drove a convertible and she looked pretty good in tight jeans.  She smiled a lot.  She was in every sense of the word: strong. 

 

You know, I think I could use some of that.  I remember her energy.  Lord knows I need some of that.  She lacked a bit of wisdom though.  She didn't understand the words "exhaustion" or "weary" the way a parent of twins does. But you know,  she was onto something and if I could just let her back in and meld her with the me I am now... then there really isn't a damn thing I can't do.

 

I made a promise to myself that 2010 was going to be the year I took care of business.  Finished things.  Took charge.  Made my home a happy one and one that is cozy and warm and looked like something.  I wanted to be a better mom and strengthen my relationship with my daughters.  I'm on track to do all of those things.  This part though?  This healthy living thing?  It was the hardest one to get to.

 

There are lots and lots of great excuses why I shouldn't take this on.  They all boil down to fear.  Fear has never ruled me and I'll be damned if I start letting it now.  I can do this and I will. 

 

I mean, why not?