Happy Mother's Day 2010

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking

around outside your body.

Elizabeth Stone

I have often said that one of the most difficult things, one of my most proud achievements was returning to college and getting my degree.  I am proud of that.  But the years have trudged on and sometimes they seem to roll by uncontrollably and they have left me gasping, standing in complete astonishment at these beings that I brought onto this planet and released out into the world.  Seeing the "might be" and the "could be" potential in them, watching them take on the world in each of their own special and unique way, is something only other mothers can really understand.  Sorry dads, there is something about the creation process here that we are blessed with and it stays right there, in the guts and heart and brain and soul of the mothers of the world.

I like to stand back and watch my daughters.   I like to see how they handle themselves and how they decide what to do about certain situations. I'm talking about things that have nothing to do with schoolwork or homework or algebra or history.  I'm talking about the stuff that makes us who we are, the decisions that are made entirely based upon ethics, ego and id.  They are young still and these things have a long way to go and a whole lot of developing before adulthood sets in.  These are the lessons that their teachers cannot teach, that I believe they have learned from watching and listening to the adults in their lives, namely their mom.  Being a very, very imperfect person who likes to only see the shiny and pretty, this is difficult.  Our children provide a mirror to ourselves and we may not always like what we see.  In fact, this is probably the only mirror that is impervious to mood and good lighting.  It reflects our own shortcomings, it forces us to look boldly at those parts of ourselves we would rather shy away from.

I believe my daughters are a good measure of who I was and am. I believe that they are a reflection of all the best I ever hoped I was. There are moments when I'm reminded though that I am brash as certainly as they are.  I believe they are better than I was at being a teenager and in turn will be better adults.  I believe that all the things I failed at, their father and their grandmothers helped them through.   I believe that my daughters have in so many ways made me want to be a better person than I would have or could have been.  I believe very much that the stubborn streak in each of them will serve them well in their lives. I just hope that they learned from me that being stubborn doesn't mean you are right, it just means you're stuck. And being stuck may not always be a bad thing, but it certainly isn't always a good thing. 

I believe, too, that raising sons is a matter entirely different than that of raising daughters.  Anyone who tries to deny this is selling themselves and their children short.  We're different, our wiring is just different.  What works with one will not work with the other.  They are as different as two species can be.  My boys are young still, but there are certain things that I'm trying so hard to preserve in them.  Seth's sensitivity for one.  I said the other day to Aaron that there is an honesty in those requests for hugs, an honesty in his vulnerability that I fear he will lose as he grows up.  Aaron replied, "He'll keep it.  He'll just use it differently." 

Sometimes, those of few words speak volumes.  And that was one of those times. 

Mothers do this.  We think about how our children are in the world and we try to protect those qualities we are afraid that society will gobble up and use against them.  We try to keep our daughters strong and smart and level-headed in a world that would have them otherwise.  We try to keep our sons' sensitive sides in balance with their physical selves.  We don't want to raise them to be so open to the world that they hurt from it, but we also don't want them to turn their hearts and minds inward so as to never let anyone or anything in. The ever raging battle of balance that we try to manage for them, it can be exhausting and draining and frustrating.  Just flipping through the channels on cable tv is enough to make me want to build a cabin in the woods, far far away from the worst society has to offer.  Trying to win a battle against body image issues when the other side has Hollywood and riches and fame is not easy.  In fact, I worry an awful lot about that.  I've done a lot of emotional damage to myself over the years on this very topic and find myself fighting the urge to talk about diet and size rather than health and health and health. 

This Sunday, I hope you moms out there step off the teeter totter. I hope you take a moment to put up your feet and take big, deep breath. I hope your family pours you a big glass of thanks.  I hope you raise it high and you remember to thank your mom for walking that balance beam for so long.  In fact, I think most of our moms are either still putting one foot in front of the other or at the very least, are standing by with a big ole net ready to catch us and push us back to the place we belong.  I hope you, too, will sit back and smile and watch as your children try to figure out their own perfect balance.

Happy Mother's Day