Intermediate Grief

Stages of Grief

Grief is a unique experience and therefore, there is no set pattern. However, various models of grief have been proposed. Grief has several stages or phases which do not necessarily follow a strict order and vary greatly from person to person. The stages can also be repetitive, that is, a person may fluctuate between feeling better and then feeling sad again. The following order is only a guide (Weber, Z.A. (2001) Good Grief. Double Bay: Margaret Gee).

The initial stage: experiencing the loss eg shock, numbness, disbelief.This stage generally lasts for several weeks.

The intermediate stage: active grieving eg crying, despair, pain, sorrow, disorganisation, intense searching and yearning. This stage often lasts for approximately two to twelve months' duration.

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I thought I was going crazy, but apparently this is supposed to be normal. The tears that just wouldn't come for the past few months (my God, its been 3 months hasn't it?) have found the exit sign. And I thought I had this under some semblance of control.

People think that after a few months you start to feel a little better. Those people have not gone through it I guess. For the first month, you're numb and you react when you hear your name. You eat and try to sleep. People expect you to be sad, they expect nothing else of you really. And then another month goes by and the depth of your loss is beginning to be felt, seen.

Days trudge by and you curse every sunset for taking you another 24 hours away from what was, what was to be and what might have been. Time takes on a new meaning. It no longer brings us closer to the next holiday, the next season, vacation and even our own death. It takes us further away from the vivid memories, the sound of his voice, the clarity of "just yesterday."

Simple objects that held no meaning suddenly become priceless heirlooms. A beer koozie is not given, it is bestowed. A Celtics hat becomes a Memorium. A 1973 Mach I Mustang becomes a monument as it sits in your garage, waiting to be brought back to life. Waiting for the day when 4 women will take it on a ride to nowhere. Take it for a ride with no destination, no plan and no need other than to be together in his car... driving it on his behalf, in his name and in his honor. To do what he hadn't been able to do. Listen to its radio with the windows down, the monster engine rumbling and the dual exhaust running under our feet. A metal cross glinting in the sunlight as we push the pedal down and let it roll baby, let it ride.

The doctors and therapists and counselors call this time "intermediate grief." They will give us our timeline of "two to twelve months." I call it a hellish reality that simply will not let up. This is harder. This passing of time, this trudging forward. I just want to claw my way backwards and take one more minute, one more email, phonecall, hug... anything.

Just one more chance to say "I love you Pat."