The News
Well, I had some really big, happy news to share. And now its not so happy. My nephew Pat, who is really more like a little brother to me (well, if a 6'3" small wall could be considered "little" that is) and his incredibly lovely girlfriend Leiren (I know I didn't spell this right - I'm sorry!) were expecting a baby. We were waiting until the doctor tests were done to say anything. And today, for some reason, God decided that now wasn't the time for this little soul to join our family.
It doesn't matter that she just found out a week or so ago. Our whole family was immediately ready and so happy for them. I went suffered a miscarriage on April 8, 1992. Four weeks before my wedding day.
Something happens to a woman immediately upon seeing two pink lines on that home pregnancy test. If the news is good or bad, it doesn't matter. It takes you immediately to another state of being. Suddenly, your body is not your own. Your life isn't your own. Every organ, every cell and every mood swing means something. Your true purpose is revealed to you and in that very moment it all, it all just makes sense. You find a way to make it all fall into place, no matter the circumstances. And in this case, it was nothing but a joyous occasion. And when that happens, when the seemingly final piece to your puzzle is snapped into place... you stand back and admire what you've put together. You see that the whole picture is so much more than you had anticipated.
Within a day names were picked out and lives were being rearranged. We were looking up the Irish name for Grandma for my sister Kate. We were so ready to have the next generation started, to see all four in a photo together.
I think sometimes though, that our hearts are ready before our bodies are. It just needs time to get caught up. And it will.
Making sense of the senseless is impossible. I remember feeling betrayed. Like I had just done this 180 degree turn around in my life plan and for what? The reason for everything seemed to be stolen from me. Cruelly and violently ripped from me. It took a very long time for me to see that maybe this little soul was a gift to get me to take that turn. To get me ready for what was to come. To believe that I could do it, that my life's meaning was yet to be understood. To set into motion all the choices and the plans that needed to be moved along.
My little angel that was only physically with me for a short while changed everything about my life. Every plan I thought I had was suddenly undone. Fate kicked me onto a path I had no idea was for me. Drastic measures I guess are sometimes what is needed. And as senseless and as painful as it is in the moment, it will one day make sense.
Trust this. Respect it. It doesn't make it any easier, it doesn't take away the hurt but maybe it can offer a bit of peace in the days to come.
It doesn't matter that she just found out a week or so ago. Our whole family was immediately ready and so happy for them. I went suffered a miscarriage on April 8, 1992. Four weeks before my wedding day.
Something happens to a woman immediately upon seeing two pink lines on that home pregnancy test. If the news is good or bad, it doesn't matter. It takes you immediately to another state of being. Suddenly, your body is not your own. Your life isn't your own. Every organ, every cell and every mood swing means something. Your true purpose is revealed to you and in that very moment it all, it all just makes sense. You find a way to make it all fall into place, no matter the circumstances. And in this case, it was nothing but a joyous occasion. And when that happens, when the seemingly final piece to your puzzle is snapped into place... you stand back and admire what you've put together. You see that the whole picture is so much more than you had anticipated.
Within a day names were picked out and lives were being rearranged. We were looking up the Irish name for Grandma for my sister Kate. We were so ready to have the next generation started, to see all four in a photo together.
I think sometimes though, that our hearts are ready before our bodies are. It just needs time to get caught up. And it will.
Making sense of the senseless is impossible. I remember feeling betrayed. Like I had just done this 180 degree turn around in my life plan and for what? The reason for everything seemed to be stolen from me. Cruelly and violently ripped from me. It took a very long time for me to see that maybe this little soul was a gift to get me to take that turn. To get me ready for what was to come. To believe that I could do it, that my life's meaning was yet to be understood. To set into motion all the choices and the plans that needed to be moved along.
My little angel that was only physically with me for a short while changed everything about my life. Every plan I thought I had was suddenly undone. Fate kicked me onto a path I had no idea was for me. Drastic measures I guess are sometimes what is needed. And as senseless and as painful as it is in the moment, it will one day make sense.
Trust this. Respect it. It doesn't make it any easier, it doesn't take away the hurt but maybe it can offer a bit of peace in the days to come.
i'm so sorry to hear that she had a miscarriage! that is so sad. i had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with my girls. it is horrible and you just aren't even sure what to feel or do.
ReplyDeletei wish them all the best with any future plans and i'm thinking of them now while they mourn this loss. :(
God has a plan for all of us and sometimes it isn't what we wanted or hoped for, but it is for a reason.
HUGS!!!
thanks for the kind words Jenn, and my sister Jenn i love you and i hope the words yu wrote help them through there tough times ahead (shaunie)
ReplyDeleteAlthough your words made me cry, they helped a great deal. I'm lucky to be welcomed into such an amazing family. Pat and I will get through this, and I have faith there will be that picture of 4 generations. Thanks Jen.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad they helped. Hope you are feeling okay?
ReplyDeleteYeah i'm doing a little better today. I'm dissapointed and I feel as if I let Pat down but I know its not my fault...When we are ready it will happen for us.
ReplyDelete<3 Lierin