Searching

Odd things keep happening to me. Dreams. Lucid dreaming. Do you know what this is? Lucid dreaming is the ability to control your dream. You are conscious but asleep. Apparently this is a gift or a skill or more likely, a lot of both. I have these dreams. Always have. I have had wonderful dreams that were fun, some scary, some intense, some with those who have passed on.

I have been communicating with a curanderismo. What is that you ask? Well, its Spanish and it loosely translates to Christian Witch. Or Christian Pagan. Or Catholic Wiccan. The roundabout way I found this healer/witch/Catholic teacher is too complicated to try to explain. But I did find Concha and sent her a half-baked half ranted email looking for a little bit of guidance. I won't post her whole email to me, but it started like this:

"Hi,
I just finished. I contacted my own guides and asked for insight into
your situation. Just as I thought you are indeed gifted into the path
of curanderismo. Like I said in my earlier reply, the word
"curanderismo" is only the Spanish translation. Those that call
themselves "Christian Pagan" or "Christian Wiccan".....is just another
translation of the same. The same goes for the terms "Folk Magic",
"Saint Magic, and "Mexican Magic". So congratulations are in
order.... welcome to the world of curanderismo.

Actually this is rather exciting, I mean think about it.....not
everyone is truly chosen. Like I said before, many people just pick it
up on their own and learn from books or from someone else. Usually the
person they learn from also has no "don". You on the other hand do
have a "don" (a God given gift) and you are being called to fulfill
it. I use to think "is this really a gift or a curse" since those
that do have a true "don" are EXPECTED to fulfill that gift. We really
don't have a choice in the matter. Usually if we refuse to accept and
act upon that gift we eventually find ourselves in many of life's
conflicts, never feeling that we belong, always struggling, running
into obstacles, feeling restless, and struggling within ourselves.
Once we accept and embrace the gift.... things fall in to place and
our life changes for the better. Progress is made and spiritual
journeys and enlightenment begin. The abilities you see now are only
the beginning."

I need to add here that this person hasn't asked for money. She replied to my email out of kindness. Think what you will... when I read this it affected me in ways I wasn't really prepared for. Because I'm really not okay with some of the stuff that I dream or some of the crazy things happening around me.

Because I feel like I might be losing it a little... let me explain. Maybe I'll feel better if I write it?

Last night I walked into my living room. I was looking at Pat's photo that I have framed, sitting on this antique dry sink thing. Leaning next to it is a placard with a poem called "Whispers from Heaven." I walked into the boys' room, checked on them and when I came back, the placard thing was gone. I searched EVERYWHERE. I just can't find it. After an exhaustive search, I signed, "Pat, its got to be somewhere. Things don't just disappear. Now what the heck?"

No, I didn't find it miraculously. But I did have a lucid dream last night. Lately these all happen with Patrick. They are incredible. I asked him about it and he told me that he doesn't whisper from heaven, but he speaks just fine thank you. I told him not to be an ass and give it back. He said, "No." Darn thing is still missing.

See, this crazy stuff is making me think I'm either losing it totally or people will think I'm losing it. Or... the other alternative here is that there is something to this stuff. So, you know, I'm searching. I've read a lot on Wicca and Druidry, but I don't fit in there. Something is just not for me. I can't shake 36 years of thinking one way. I believe all paths lead to the same God/Goddess. Yes. I believe that ultimately we're all worshipping the same deity but the path we choose to get there might be very different. I'm just looking for the right map, nevermind route.

I'll find it. But in the meantime... there are a lot of very strange people in this world. I love it completely. And Concha isn't one of them. I've read her website and blog. She's amazing. She does good work. God's work. And she has been a wonderful source of comfort to me.

Thank you Concha. I have a feeling she'll be a part of my life for a while. Off to sleep. I need to get Patrick to give me my poem back. Or tell me where the heck it is. ]

See? When I say it out loud, I still sound nuts. I guess Pat's right. He always used to tell me I wasn't right in the head.