The Dark Guest
Like a shadow hiding in the corners. A house-guest that overstays a welcome. Down the hall and just around the corner. Peeking out at the worst moments, completely unexpected.
It wakes me up and shakes me cold in moments where my mind is otherwise busy. Trying to avoid the thoughts, they come at me without invitation.
So this is grieving? This unplanned, this rude, this fear, this anger, this hurt?
It comes and it goes on its own schedule. It keeps me from falling asleep and not wanting to wake up. It propels me forward to do better, to honor a name or a memory. It lingers a finger over a photo, it replays a voice and repeats moments and phone calls. It clings to the tiniest of things that meant nothing before but now mean everything.
It makes me thankful as much as it makes want to tear out my hair and scream. It makes me cherish moments while at the same time it rips open my insides. It lies in wait, always there in the background. Never letting go, never leaving me be.
There is a permanent darkness now. I tried to believe that it would just disappear if I ignored it long enough. If I focused on the blessings, if I cherished what gifts I've been given, it would leave.
Grief has its own time tables and agendas, its own goals and needs. Its a newborn wailing for attention at all the worst possible moments. The needs and demands of daily life care nothing about this pain. Care not at all that I just want to lie down and curl into a ball for a few days. Or even a precious few hours.
This sadness that comes of its own volition. On its own path that winds around mine, crossing and cutting me off while I navigate this foreign terrain. Its runs up behind me, high beams shattering my vision. It swerves and makes itself known in spastic and wild movements. I cannot guess where it will be next. There is no long route around, no short cut through. Just the trudging forward, the occasional side step and then the inevitable break down.
I have hope cracking the darkness, yes. Tiny shards to piece together. It may never be okay.... it will certainly never be what it was. But that new kind of okay lingers for longer moments. The welcome friend, the encouraging smile, the comforting hug.
One day it will stay and help me bid farewell to the dark guest in the shadows.
I'm just not ready let it go.
It wakes me up and shakes me cold in moments where my mind is otherwise busy. Trying to avoid the thoughts, they come at me without invitation.
So this is grieving? This unplanned, this rude, this fear, this anger, this hurt?
It comes and it goes on its own schedule. It keeps me from falling asleep and not wanting to wake up. It propels me forward to do better, to honor a name or a memory. It lingers a finger over a photo, it replays a voice and repeats moments and phone calls. It clings to the tiniest of things that meant nothing before but now mean everything.
It makes me thankful as much as it makes want to tear out my hair and scream. It makes me cherish moments while at the same time it rips open my insides. It lies in wait, always there in the background. Never letting go, never leaving me be.
There is a permanent darkness now. I tried to believe that it would just disappear if I ignored it long enough. If I focused on the blessings, if I cherished what gifts I've been given, it would leave.
Grief has its own time tables and agendas, its own goals and needs. Its a newborn wailing for attention at all the worst possible moments. The needs and demands of daily life care nothing about this pain. Care not at all that I just want to lie down and curl into a ball for a few days. Or even a precious few hours.
This sadness that comes of its own volition. On its own path that winds around mine, crossing and cutting me off while I navigate this foreign terrain. Its runs up behind me, high beams shattering my vision. It swerves and makes itself known in spastic and wild movements. I cannot guess where it will be next. There is no long route around, no short cut through. Just the trudging forward, the occasional side step and then the inevitable break down.
I have hope cracking the darkness, yes. Tiny shards to piece together. It may never be okay.... it will certainly never be what it was. But that new kind of okay lingers for longer moments. The welcome friend, the encouraging smile, the comforting hug.
One day it will stay and help me bid farewell to the dark guest in the shadows.
I'm just not ready let it go.
LOVE YOU JENN
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