I think I get it
I've been really struggling with writing. It is very difficult lately to find something to say and I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I think I just did though.
Here's the thing: my writing pre-October 30, 2008 had a common theme. Optimism. I was just re-reading some of my old posts on Sum Parts. And even here. A lot of the posts seem to include some piece of "wow this is really difficult/great/horrible followed up with, "yeah, but ain't it all worth it" type of sentiment.
And then there was October 30th. Lots of writing about Pat. About loss. Sadness.
And now, I'm sort of spinning my wheels not wanting to stand in those sad waters, but not really ready to leap forward. I guess the problem is that when the worst happens, when you realize you aren't "special" or aren't excluded from fate's cruelty... its really hard to find the silver lining is anything much more than the tears still stinging your eyes. The proof that everything turns out okay is gone. Everything doesn't turn out okay all the time. Not everything is "meant to be" to make way for something even better. Sometimes, life just really does suck. And pain doesn't go away because you will it to. Or because something or someone can make it better.
The hope that I had is diminished in some way. And that is why this keyboard and my fingers and my brain just can't get it together. Because I don't want to turn this blog into a sappy, tearful, mess. Even when that is exactly how I feel so often.
Maybe I need a break.
Here's the thing: my writing pre-October 30, 2008 had a common theme. Optimism. I was just re-reading some of my old posts on Sum Parts. And even here. A lot of the posts seem to include some piece of "wow this is really difficult/great/horrible followed up with, "yeah, but ain't it all worth it" type of sentiment.
And then there was October 30th. Lots of writing about Pat. About loss. Sadness.
And now, I'm sort of spinning my wheels not wanting to stand in those sad waters, but not really ready to leap forward. I guess the problem is that when the worst happens, when you realize you aren't "special" or aren't excluded from fate's cruelty... its really hard to find the silver lining is anything much more than the tears still stinging your eyes. The proof that everything turns out okay is gone. Everything doesn't turn out okay all the time. Not everything is "meant to be" to make way for something even better. Sometimes, life just really does suck. And pain doesn't go away because you will it to. Or because something or someone can make it better.
The hope that I had is diminished in some way. And that is why this keyboard and my fingers and my brain just can't get it together. Because I don't want to turn this blog into a sappy, tearful, mess. Even when that is exactly how I feel so often.
Maybe I need a break.
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