Blast from the past.
The girls came home today. Danielle had found a video of our first trip to Disney World circa 2000 BD (Before Divorce). I was sort of happy to sit and watch it with her because she seemed so enthralled by it. She has watched it 4 or 5 times now.
The opening scene is of me taping the girls right before leaving. We were driving to Florida and taking our time doing so. Ken had won $500 in hotel gift certificates so we decided to take 3 days to get to Florida. Once there we were staying at a time share and doing the stupid tour thing. What I wouldn't do to stay in an incredible resort with 2 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, hot tubs, pools and everything else for a whopping $35 a night!!
The whole video is only about 20 minutes. It's mostly me saying things like, "Look at this! Unbelievable! Wicked awesome!" And usually I'm talking to my family at home. My parents. My sisters. My nieces and nephews. Seeing Autumn and Danielle at ages 6 and 4 is pretty cool. They were so freaking adorable and so HAPPY and EXCITED. Autumn smiling at me and pulling on my hand nearly broke my heart. Danielle was totally sweet and so tiny!! She was a ham even then. It was just a couple of days before her 4th birthday. The two of them in pink sundresses, faces painted and bursting with life.
On the flipside, what I had chosen not to remember is my strained relationship with Ken. You see, this was really the beginning of a very long ending. I have a lot of footage of Ken's back, Ken glaring at me, Ken shaking his head in total annoyance, Ken sweating and finally Ken snapping at me. Good times. I clearly remember showing this video to my parents when we got home and making excuses for him. Idiot. I was an idiot.
Which explains why I was talking to my family back home rather than the one I was with. There was no conversation between us. There was nothing left really by this time. The girls were a wonderful distraction and this trip was my trip with them and then Ken's trip with them. It wasn't really a family trip at all.
Today Danielle said to me, "Mom, you're not in it. There's one part where you're near some glass and I'm gonna pause it to see if I can see you." And she did try.
He couldn't even take a minute to tape the girls and me. My reply, "Your dad doesn't like videotaping, he never has. No big deal kid, I looked just like I do now. Only a bit thinner and younger and I had long hair."
"So basically you looked totally different!"
I was totally different. Totally. I cannot imagine for the life of me what the hell kept me in that marriage for so damn long. We were clearly miserable. And i was so lonely I was talking to family that wasn't even there. I remembered that like it was yesterday. I just kept wishing my parents were there. Or my sisters. I will never forget the years of absolute solitude. He could have been sitting across the room from me and he might as well have been on Mars. (Alice Cooper reference for the cool kids.)
"No matter where you go, there you are." My mother said this little pearl of wisdom to me years ago. I don't know if she made it up or if this is a real saying. But damn if it ain't the truth.
I was so sad after watching this. Danielle was totally into it though. She doesn't remember us married very well so any insight as to what life was like is very important to her. She wears my wedding band around her neck on a chain. She begs to see wedding photos and any video from the years 1992 - 2002.
I had a moment where I wondered what my video of Disney will be like when Aaron and I take the kids. He owns a pretty cool digital camcorder.
I'll be in it that's for damn sure.
The opening scene is of me taping the girls right before leaving. We were driving to Florida and taking our time doing so. Ken had won $500 in hotel gift certificates so we decided to take 3 days to get to Florida. Once there we were staying at a time share and doing the stupid tour thing. What I wouldn't do to stay in an incredible resort with 2 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, hot tubs, pools and everything else for a whopping $35 a night!!
The whole video is only about 20 minutes. It's mostly me saying things like, "Look at this! Unbelievable! Wicked awesome!" And usually I'm talking to my family at home. My parents. My sisters. My nieces and nephews. Seeing Autumn and Danielle at ages 6 and 4 is pretty cool. They were so freaking adorable and so HAPPY and EXCITED. Autumn smiling at me and pulling on my hand nearly broke my heart. Danielle was totally sweet and so tiny!! She was a ham even then. It was just a couple of days before her 4th birthday. The two of them in pink sundresses, faces painted and bursting with life.
On the flipside, what I had chosen not to remember is my strained relationship with Ken. You see, this was really the beginning of a very long ending. I have a lot of footage of Ken's back, Ken glaring at me, Ken shaking his head in total annoyance, Ken sweating and finally Ken snapping at me. Good times. I clearly remember showing this video to my parents when we got home and making excuses for him. Idiot. I was an idiot.
Which explains why I was talking to my family back home rather than the one I was with. There was no conversation between us. There was nothing left really by this time. The girls were a wonderful distraction and this trip was my trip with them and then Ken's trip with them. It wasn't really a family trip at all.
Today Danielle said to me, "Mom, you're not in it. There's one part where you're near some glass and I'm gonna pause it to see if I can see you." And she did try.
He couldn't even take a minute to tape the girls and me. My reply, "Your dad doesn't like videotaping, he never has. No big deal kid, I looked just like I do now. Only a bit thinner and younger and I had long hair."
"So basically you looked totally different!"
I was totally different. Totally. I cannot imagine for the life of me what the hell kept me in that marriage for so damn long. We were clearly miserable. And i was so lonely I was talking to family that wasn't even there. I remembered that like it was yesterday. I just kept wishing my parents were there. Or my sisters. I will never forget the years of absolute solitude. He could have been sitting across the room from me and he might as well have been on Mars. (Alice Cooper reference for the cool kids.)
"No matter where you go, there you are." My mother said this little pearl of wisdom to me years ago. I don't know if she made it up or if this is a real saying. But damn if it ain't the truth.
I was so sad after watching this. Danielle was totally into it though. She doesn't remember us married very well so any insight as to what life was like is very important to her. She wears my wedding band around her neck on a chain. She begs to see wedding photos and any video from the years 1992 - 2002.
I had a moment where I wondered what my video of Disney will be like when Aaron and I take the kids. He owns a pretty cool digital camcorder.
I'll be in it that's for damn sure.
Comments
Post a Comment