On Dreams
I guess I've been at a loss for words lately. A little busy, a little tired and numb or something. I think pulling back a bit and doing rather than saying has been good. I do a lot of "saying" a lot and taking a cue from Patrick as I promised I would seems to be happening all on its own.
I've started studying some things and learning. I feel weird writing about some of the things that has happened to me because until they happened I would have been the first one to point and giggle and think, "Nut case!" Well, maybe I am a nutcase... but it doesn't negate the happenings.
I dreamed of Pat's death about a month ago. There I said it. I told Lierin about it. I actually called Pat the day after I had the dream. We laughed it off at the time and I promptly forgot about it. Until a day or two after Patrick passed on, I didn't even think of it. I keep a dream journal because my whole life I've always had intense and very real dreams. I can sometimes "wake up" in them and control them. Lately they have been intense on a level I've never known. I wake up feeling either more tired or completely calm and relaxed. I talk to Patrick in my dreams and we remember together our life. The memories are incredible and long forgotten - at least that's what I thought.
The morning after Patrick's funeral I had one of my "awake dreams." It was weird. I was asking Patrick to show me things that he had seen of his funeral. The images flooded my mind, but they weren't clear. They looked sort of like an ultrasound or something. Distorted, black and white. He kept showing me my brother Jim. Over and over. Then I would see glimpses of my sister and then a bright white light around her. But then back to Jim. His face and how he looked when he was younger, then how he looked now. Every now and then the image would be odd... my cousin Bob's shamrock tie, the pin that my mother wore. I was honest to goodness freaked out and scared. I told him to stop because the images were too fast and I was scared. And they did. Blackness. I woke up at 4:19am.
Make what you will of this. It may well have been "just a dream." But I will never shake them off again. These things have been happening to me my whole life. I have guessed at things and said that something already is well before it "is" only to have it come true shortly after. I don't know what this is, but I'm not ignoring it anymore. People can think me a bit off or searching to believe in something, needing to feel a connection to someone I've lost... but the thing is... I'm not like that. I believe very much that when we're called, we're called. I believe that had Patrick stayed home, he would have been taken from us in another way. And the fact that I dreamed this totally freaks me out. So, instead of fearing it, I'm going to learn about it. I'm reading my journals and I'm going to find out if I can control this thing, if its a fluke or if there is some sort of 6th sense that isn't total bull shit.
In my search.... I have stumbled across some really weird freaking people though!! I think its awesome and it makes me feel, well, normal I guess.
I didn't plan on writing about this, but I have a good feeling that there are a lot of you right now nodding your heads. I think it happens to more people than can admit it.
Blessed be.
I've started studying some things and learning. I feel weird writing about some of the things that has happened to me because until they happened I would have been the first one to point and giggle and think, "Nut case!" Well, maybe I am a nutcase... but it doesn't negate the happenings.
I dreamed of Pat's death about a month ago. There I said it. I told Lierin about it. I actually called Pat the day after I had the dream. We laughed it off at the time and I promptly forgot about it. Until a day or two after Patrick passed on, I didn't even think of it. I keep a dream journal because my whole life I've always had intense and very real dreams. I can sometimes "wake up" in them and control them. Lately they have been intense on a level I've never known. I wake up feeling either more tired or completely calm and relaxed. I talk to Patrick in my dreams and we remember together our life. The memories are incredible and long forgotten - at least that's what I thought.
The morning after Patrick's funeral I had one of my "awake dreams." It was weird. I was asking Patrick to show me things that he had seen of his funeral. The images flooded my mind, but they weren't clear. They looked sort of like an ultrasound or something. Distorted, black and white. He kept showing me my brother Jim. Over and over. Then I would see glimpses of my sister and then a bright white light around her. But then back to Jim. His face and how he looked when he was younger, then how he looked now. Every now and then the image would be odd... my cousin Bob's shamrock tie, the pin that my mother wore. I was honest to goodness freaked out and scared. I told him to stop because the images were too fast and I was scared. And they did. Blackness. I woke up at 4:19am.
Make what you will of this. It may well have been "just a dream." But I will never shake them off again. These things have been happening to me my whole life. I have guessed at things and said that something already is well before it "is" only to have it come true shortly after. I don't know what this is, but I'm not ignoring it anymore. People can think me a bit off or searching to believe in something, needing to feel a connection to someone I've lost... but the thing is... I'm not like that. I believe very much that when we're called, we're called. I believe that had Patrick stayed home, he would have been taken from us in another way. And the fact that I dreamed this totally freaks me out. So, instead of fearing it, I'm going to learn about it. I'm reading my journals and I'm going to find out if I can control this thing, if its a fluke or if there is some sort of 6th sense that isn't total bull shit.
In my search.... I have stumbled across some really weird freaking people though!! I think its awesome and it makes me feel, well, normal I guess.
I didn't plan on writing about this, but I have a good feeling that there are a lot of you right now nodding your heads. I think it happens to more people than can admit it.
Blessed be.
Hey Jenn.
ReplyDeleteI think it's great you dream of Pat. I'm kind of jealous because I really want to dream of him and I don't. So I think your lucky you do dream of Pat. I hope you never stop dreaming.
The type of dreaming (at least as far as the waking up in them) is called "lucid" dreaming. My husband can do it and I really wish I could. I personally think a dream journal is a good thing because I think our dreams store memories, help us work things out that we have trouble handling, and so much more.
ReplyDeleteJenn - I think what you are experiencing is very real. I don't think it's bullshit. I had something like a premonition when Jimbo died. It was New Years Eve 1982 and I was babysitting for the Neil family that lived right up the road on Taylor St. at midnight I was on the phone with my friend Debbie at the time. I could hear lots of partying in the background and horns, all the exciting sounds of the new year and I was crying and I felt stupid - but I just told Deb that I didn't want the new year - I liked the old year and I just had a bad feeling about it being a new year. I wanted things to stay just the way they were - when I woke up in the morning my brother was dead and it changed my life forever. But I have this great memory of Jimbo and his friend Bobby - playing air guitar, singing Rock Lobster and dancing - bouncing out the front door, jumping off the steps of our house. It always makes me smile. I wish I could dream about him more. But mostly I wish my kids new him as more than just a picture in a frame. Annie
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