Ramble, ramble, ramble
I don't know what else to do with myself, so I'm going to keep writing. I start to do things and can't seem to finish. I can't organize my day or what I need to do. I know one thing: I need to get to my mother's house as soon as possible.
My sister is on auto-pilot. I take my cues from her. She has moments where the reality starts to hit, but its far from here. She just called and asked if Aaron was here because she wants him to be a pallbearer. You would have thought she was calling to see if I had a cup of sugar.
We're all in our own orbit. Dealing with it together, yes. But the understanding, the healing part... that happens alone doesn't it? I can't cry in front of them. I hurt. It actually hurts inside my chest and other than that none of this seems real. Nothing normal is happening right now. Most of the people I saw yesterday I see only on holidays, weddings and wakes. I haven't been to work since Wednesday. I just drive places and do things. I know that when I have time to myself, I think and I try to wrap my brain around him being gone.
I wrote that eulogy I guess you could call it. I told Aaron it was no good... I'm not good at fiction. It will have to do though because its all I got right now. I asked a good friend to read it through and make sure it made sense. Edit it. I guess working at a writing center has come in handy after all: a dear friend and someone who can tell me where my grammar sucks and if my sentence structure is good.
I need to stop avoiding the fact that I really need to clean this house. I've been running in at night, sleeping and then running out of here for a few days. Poor Clancy. I run home and take him out to play and then run off again.
I think I need to take Tuesday off of work.
My sister is on auto-pilot. I take my cues from her. She has moments where the reality starts to hit, but its far from here. She just called and asked if Aaron was here because she wants him to be a pallbearer. You would have thought she was calling to see if I had a cup of sugar.
We're all in our own orbit. Dealing with it together, yes. But the understanding, the healing part... that happens alone doesn't it? I can't cry in front of them. I hurt. It actually hurts inside my chest and other than that none of this seems real. Nothing normal is happening right now. Most of the people I saw yesterday I see only on holidays, weddings and wakes. I haven't been to work since Wednesday. I just drive places and do things. I know that when I have time to myself, I think and I try to wrap my brain around him being gone.
I wrote that eulogy I guess you could call it. I told Aaron it was no good... I'm not good at fiction. It will have to do though because its all I got right now. I asked a good friend to read it through and make sure it made sense. Edit it. I guess working at a writing center has come in handy after all: a dear friend and someone who can tell me where my grammar sucks and if my sentence structure is good.
I need to stop avoiding the fact that I really need to clean this house. I've been running in at night, sleeping and then running out of here for a few days. Poor Clancy. I run home and take him out to play and then run off again.
I think I need to take Tuesday off of work.
Comments
Post a Comment