Courageous Smiles
Tell Me You Love Me: Season Finale.
The courage to be happy. Think about this for a moment. It shouldn't take courage to do something that is supposed to come easy. But nothing is really easy when you reach a certain point in your life. And suddenly it takes every thing you've got to defend your life, your kids, your partnership, your family from all the shit that tries to tear it away.
I get it. The courage thing. Because I once didn't have it. I didn't understand or see how fragile every relationship is. I didn't know it was going to be easy to just let go. Like a drowning victim, I just let the waters take me away and wash away everything I was supposed to be gluing back together. I guess after a while I just couldn't find every little shard and splinter and all I had left was a delicate piece of the frame. One person can't put it all back together. One person can't hold it all together, find the missing parts and put them back where they once were.
And that's where the courage comes in. No, not the courage to go hunting for all those sorted little details you left around the living room floor. The bravado that it takes to know there is no way you'll keep track of it all.... to know that you have to ask for help. And even then, to keep asking. Protecting what's yours. Defending it from naysayers, people looking into your life through the blinds, one eye on what they think is a weakness.
Only you know your life. Those closest to you think they do. But they don't. All they know is what they choose to remember. About you. About your kids. Your house, yard, car. How you acted 10 years ago maybe. And from those moments they decided what your choices should be, who you are and how you should act and react.
Courage to be happy. And wisdom to know that everything everyone thinks they know is usually wrong. I am learning, albeit slowly, to keep the best and the worst to myself. I am slowly learning to let people make assumptions and not correct them.
To let go enough to not care so damn much for approval. To have the courage to be happy on my terms, in my home.
Its not nearly as easy as I had thought it would be.
The courage to be happy. Think about this for a moment. It shouldn't take courage to do something that is supposed to come easy. But nothing is really easy when you reach a certain point in your life. And suddenly it takes every thing you've got to defend your life, your kids, your partnership, your family from all the shit that tries to tear it away.
I get it. The courage thing. Because I once didn't have it. I didn't understand or see how fragile every relationship is. I didn't know it was going to be easy to just let go. Like a drowning victim, I just let the waters take me away and wash away everything I was supposed to be gluing back together. I guess after a while I just couldn't find every little shard and splinter and all I had left was a delicate piece of the frame. One person can't put it all back together. One person can't hold it all together, find the missing parts and put them back where they once were.
And that's where the courage comes in. No, not the courage to go hunting for all those sorted little details you left around the living room floor. The bravado that it takes to know there is no way you'll keep track of it all.... to know that you have to ask for help. And even then, to keep asking. Protecting what's yours. Defending it from naysayers, people looking into your life through the blinds, one eye on what they think is a weakness.
Only you know your life. Those closest to you think they do. But they don't. All they know is what they choose to remember. About you. About your kids. Your house, yard, car. How you acted 10 years ago maybe. And from those moments they decided what your choices should be, who you are and how you should act and react.
Courage to be happy. And wisdom to know that everything everyone thinks they know is usually wrong. I am learning, albeit slowly, to keep the best and the worst to myself. I am slowly learning to let people make assumptions and not correct them.
To let go enough to not care so damn much for approval. To have the courage to be happy on my terms, in my home.
Its not nearly as easy as I had thought it would be.
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How right you are!! Letting go is the hardest thing to do. Letting go of anything. A fight, a comment, a thought, an assumption, broken pieces. Your post really hit home with me. I need to find happiness... I'm hanging off the edge, and soooo close to loosing my grip on the world. I stress and worry about everything and everyone. NOT worth it. It isn't me, I didn't use to be this way. I think I have lost my courage to be happy. I feel... well I don't know what I feel to be honest. I feel stressed and angry, and always defending myself, my family, my actions, reasons, thoughts and being. This isn't necessary, but I can't let go of it. I know this is something I have to work on. I've said this for a long time, but I really need to learn balance and LETTING GO!! Fuck it, life is too short to not have the courage to be Happy! I'll start today to really work on being just ME! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteJust remember... being you shouldn't take work. You are you, in every moment in every word. Imperfect, created in God's image, cussing, losing things, making lunch and forgetting the dishes... all you. Maybe we learn to like all that along with the bedtime stories, band-aids, selfless stuff?
ReplyDeleteNot easy keeping it together these days, that's for sure.
What an amazing and thought provoking post. I found myself and my strength when I went through my divorce. I realized how strong I really was. It was around then that I didn't truly care what other's thought of me...it was most important what my children thought of me and what I thought of myself. I do care but, I'm never going to be out to prove anything. I am who I am. If someone doesn't like me then, don't hang around. I have become a much happier person because of this.
ReplyDelete